Maggie McCallie's 2013 Oscar Fashion Review

Yes, folks.  It's that time of year again.  Time for a girl in a used-to-be-white, pit-stained t-shirt and even-more-threadbare-than-last-year flannel pants to rate the stars' fashion at the Oscars ceremony.  Forget Joan Rivers.  Sure, her show is entertaining.  But every comment she makes is meant as a set up to a big joke.  I wonder half the time if she's really critiquing the clothes or just doing a  stand-up routine.  Plus, she's also not a "real" person.  And I don't just mean all of the synthetic stuff that's in her face.  She's been in Hollywood too long.  She's jaded.  She knows and understands fashion,  She's not like the rest of us.  Plus, her face has been pulled so tight from all of the plastic surgery, that I'm not convinced she can even see out of her eyes anymore.  The evidence:

So, I am forced to be the voice of the average person to rate how the stars did on Hollywood's biggest night.  Let's get to it.

I'd like to start with this year's winners. The first female winner of the night was Anne Hathaway.  She is a tremendous actress although not so great at acting like she's humble and doesn't expect to win.  There's something about her that's a little too self-important for me to truly be happy for her.  Here is her look:

I'd like to thank the Academy, the cast and crew, and, of course, my pert breasts.

She always looks great, but I didn't care for this look.  First of all, the neckline of the dress was too high to add a necklace - particularly one as chunky as this.  And then there's the obvious focal point - the tatas.  We all know you have breasts, Anne.  Anyone who had the misfortune of seeing Love And Other Drugs saw the hell out of them.  I didn't need to see them again tonight. 

Moving on.  Best Actress went to Jennifer Lawrence who I have to say I didn't much care for until I saw her in Silver Linings Playbook.  She just seemed a little too pouty.  Too "over" all of the glitz and glam that you just know was the reason she got into acting in the first place.  It burns me up when someone who has found success in Hollywood acts so ungrateful for it.  (I'm talking about you, Kristen Stewart, but I'll get to your dour ass in a minute.)  So here is Jennifer:

She looked stunning. Not at all pouty.  She looked young, which she is, and glamorous.  One of the best dressed ladies of the night which, in my opinion, were few.  She nailed it.  Her hair was flawless and the dress was a perfect choice for her age and skin tone.  She even managed to look good like this:

Would you not DIE if this happened to you at the Oscars?!  Joan Rivers even quipped that she's not the first girl to get on all fours on her way to an Oscar.  Good Lord.  Something like 40 million people watch this show.  At least she didn't do anything stupid.

Like this person:

I shouldn't say she looked "stupid".  I mean, on my best day I look like Naomi Watts probably does when she has a stomach bug and has been standing outside in the humidity after not having showered for a week and a half.  But what was with this dress?  Why the boob cut-out?  The color was pretty and her hair and make-up looked nice.  I just felt like the designer inadvertently forgot to finish making it and didn't have the heart to tell her once she had it on.

Let's move on to past winners.  Here's my Auburn girl, Octavia Spencer:

Just beautiful.  Joan and her cohosts kept making comments about how she looks good and knows how to dress "for her size".  I'm sorry but she looks great regardless of her size, height, hair color, toe length, favorite book or secret mole.  The dress is gorgeous and she wears it well.  The color is pretty against her skin and her jewelry goes nicely.  Good job, Octavia.  And War Eagle!

Here's another past winner:

 

 

 

I like this dress very much.  I, myself, am a fan of the capped sleeve.  Plus, Sandra Bullock is one person who appears to not have had major work done.  She is aging gracefully for someone in Hollywood which is commendable.   There was just one thing I thought was weird.

 

 

 

Why does she look like she had a bedazzled hearing aid?  I suppose this was a hair clip, but I kept waiting for her to answer a call on it.  It was awkward.  Not quite as awkward as when she did this:

 

 

 

... but awkward just the same.

 

Let's move to Nicole Kidman.

 

 

 

 

Nicole has had so much Botox that these days she looks like she's wearing a Nicole Kidman mask.  Luckily, she seems to have toned it down and her face doesn't look so weird.  I wasn't wild about the dress, but it was fine I guess.  The main thing I noticed was the size of her boobs.  She's shown 'em before in a movie or two.  She doesn't have much.  (Which is perfectly acceptable since I find myself in the same boat.)  So, what is all of that that is spilling out of the top of her dress?!  To me, this look screamed "Aging Star Who Wants To Still Try To Be Sexy But Is Really Past All Of That And Should Just Embrace The Roles As Channing Tatum's Mother That Are Likely The Only Ones Coming Her Way".  I should probably just be grateful I only had to put up with her boobs instead of Angelina's stupid leg from last year.

 

 

 

 

I love Reese Witherspoon but I don't love this dress.  She looks great, of course, and she had a baby like, 16 minutes ago.  But I didn't like the black at the top and at her ribcage.  I guess maybe it was meant to be slimming since she does have a newborn, but I would have liked it better if the whole dress was blue.  Also, Joan and her crew said that Reese had the best hair on the red carpet.  I have to disagree.  This hair looked like a Price Is Right Model from 1982.  I kept waiting for when she would direct someone toward the Plinko board and it just never happened.



 

 

 

Oh, gosh!  There it is again!

 

 

How about the pre-awards-show shows?  I only watched the one on ABC hosted by Kristen Chenowith and a slew of ABC personalities.  Most notably, Robin Roberts.

 

 



 

 

How great does she look?  What a year she's had.  She's such a neat lady and beautiful as well.  She's had medical issue after medical issue and all I can think of is, "Why don't my arms look like that?".  She looks terrific.  She is rocking the short hair and looks fabulous in that exquisite blue. 

 

But speaking of Kristen Chenowith, I would be remiss if I didn't address her interview with Adele.

 

 

 



Kristen's interview style was a little hero-worshippy for my taste.  And I'm pretty sure I heard her tell two different Best Actress nominees that she wanted them to win.  But it was her interview with Adele that made me wonder, When does Jack The Giant Slayer come to theaters?  I mean, these two people standing next to each other do not look like they are from the same species!  Adele recently had a baby, but why is she eight feet tall?  I guess Kristen is just really small.  Seems like I read that she rode to the ceremony in Jack Nicholson's pocket.  This was just a strange visual.  Not as strange perhaps, as this one:

 



 

 

You know what wasn't a strange visual?  This:

 

 

Jessica Chastain looked gorgeous.  Which was hard to imagine after this:

 

 

But her hair, her dress, her make-up - everything - was just right.  The color of her dress seemed like it was made for her skin.  She looked so good that I might actually be able to forgive her Golden Globes hair.

Another stunning look of the night, not surprisingly, was Charlize Theron.   What's interesting is that I am mistaken for her like, all  the time.  It's to the point where I have to go out in public wearing disguises.  Things like ill-fitting, outdated clothes and bad hair; so people won't think I'm her.  Anyway, she had to shave her head for a movie role and her hair has only recently stated growing out.  Look at this.  Are you kidding me???

 

If I shaved my head, this is what I would like:

 

 



 

Another gorgeous lady:

Has Halle Berry ever looked bad?  Well, I didn't care for her Golden Globes one-boob-out look:

 

 

It was kind of weird.  But even with that, she is gorgeous!  As with the Globes, I wasn't wild about her dress.  I kept thinking she was about to board the Starship Enterprise.  But still, Halle's worst day blows my best day off the map.

 

Now let's tackle two people I wish hadn't even shown up.  First, there's the incomparable Kristen Stewart.  First of all, why was she invited to the Oscars?!  She had just won several Razzies the evening before for whatever idiotic vampire movie she made last year.  She's mostly famous for sleeping with her married director.  She plays the same pouty, angst-ridden character in every movie she's in.  Why does she have an acting career?  She is not the least bit charismatic as she showcased during her grumbling presentation at the Oscar podium Sunday.   She seems like she has the sourest personality.  In fact, here she is doing her best smile:

 



 

 

In this shot, someone has just told her that they've found a cure for cancer.

 

 

Here, she's learned that they solved the decades-old mystery surrounding the death of JFK.

 

 

 

 Here, she's just learned of a horrific, fiery bus crash:





 

 

Ugh.  She has got to go.  She needs a sense of humor.  Like this person:

 

 



Finally, our "national treasure" Barbra Streisand.  I know Hollywood just loves this woman and that her surprise appearance was a highlight for all of them, but UGH.  I'm over her. She looked like she was shooting a movie where she would play a wicked queen.  Observe:

 

 

 

 

I'm going to cook you and eat you for my supper!!!

 

She is too old for long hair and a butt-cut.  And where are her breasts?  On the floor?  Look how low that dress is!  C'mon, Babs.  When you sing "Memories" I am wishing it was in reference to your career.  A distant memory.

 

 

Overall, the Oscars were nice, but certainly not the most glamorous I've seen.  And I know glamour. 

 

 

 

 

Seth MacFarlane was funny and the musical numbers were great (except for the lip-synched "All That Jazz" which showcased the fact that Catherine Zeta Jones hasn't had to move like that in the ten years since the move was made).  The In Memoriam part was weird (thanks, Barbra) due to the fact they left so many notable people out.  Andy Griffith?  Phyllis Diller?  And the show was excruciatingly long.  Don't they realize that no one cares about Best Documentary Short Subject?!  Get to the meaty stuff we all tune in for.  But I still love it and look forward to it every year.  Just as I'm sure you look forward to my insightful and meticulous reviews of the fashions.  Until next year... that's a wrap!