Random Ramblings: Maggie McCallie's Oscars Fashion Review 2012

Since my last post was about my experiences with the rich and famous, I thought I'd continue that trend by commenting on the fashion at this year's Oscars. I mean who better to make comments about the style choices of these people than someone who was wearing Lucky Brand jeans, a Blue Canoe hoodie, with a JJill tank and Dansko clogs while watching the event unfold? Actually, that's what I was wearing before the telecast. Once things got underway and I was in the comfort of my own home, I was wearing an old, ratty t-shirt that used to be white but is now more ecru, and an almost threadbare pair of flannel pants from Victoria Secret that I've had for about 9 years. Anyhoo... let's get started with:

MAGGIE MCCALLIE'S OSCARS FASHION REVIEW 2012
*Maggie McCallie knows nothing of fashion

Let's start with Octavia Spencer. She's an Auburn alum (War Eagle!) and was actually on campus while I was there. I remember her. You might say we were friends. We weren't. Never talked to her. But, you still might want to say it. She was fabulous in The Help. I was so excited she won. Of course, it wasn't a surprise she won. Everyone predicted she would. But she looked stunning.

The dress was perfect for her figure and was just gorgeous in general. She could not have looked any better.

Then there's Gwenyth Paltrow. If there's one person I feel sorry for, it's her. She's just so plain. Her body is just...ehh. Nothing special as you can clearly see below.

I mean, GOOD GOD! Goddess, actually. She's perfect! PERFECT! Well, not perfect. She's too thin. And she's wearing a cape which I can't say I approve of. But once that cape came off, she looked like a princess. Or a barbie. Or a princess barbie. I hate her. I don't really. I want to. But I can't. She's too cool. So, let's move on to someone I do hate.

It's a good thing Angelina isn't full of herself. I mean, after she stole the husband of tv's favorite Friend, Jennifer Aniston, women everywhere hated her. So, how does she respond? By sticking her veiny, anorexic looking leg out from underneath her dress at every opportunity. She is disgusting. I'm getting pissed off. Let's go back to people that I do like.

Here is Meryl Streep.

She has a tendency to look frumpy - not unlike myself - but I thought she looked exquisite Sunday night. She looked like an Oscar! I was a little disappointed that Viola Davis didn't win, which is not a slight to Meryl. I love Meryl. I always want her to win. And her speech was awesome. She seems like she's such an cool, interesting person. So, I like her a lot and I like that she is her own person and doesn't conform to Hollywood's idea of what women should look like. She looked beautiful.

Since we were talking about Viola Davis, let's cover her next.

What a gorgeous gown and a gorgeous color. I'm not wild about her hair like this. I don't mind the hairstyle at all but I think I like her better with more hair around her face. Still, she looked great. And her performance in The Help was one of the highlights of the year. She was the heart and soul of that film and if I would have been happy for anyone to beat Meryl, it would have been her.

Let's stay on people with short hair.

Michelle Williams

She keeps getting nominated for Oscars but has everyone forgotten that she used to be on Dawson's Creek? Anyway, she is very, very good. I didn't see the movie she was nominated for, but I'm sure she was great in it. She was very good in Brokeback Mountain (yes, I saw it). You know what I didn't like her in? This dress. I'm not a fan of the color and I loathe the bow and the pink clutch. I also normally love the pixie haircut. Wish I could have one myself. But I don't love it on her. She's a pretty girl but she needs more hair.

Another red dress at the Oscars was the one Emma Stone was wearing.

I thought the color was gorgeous, but Nicole Kidman wore almost the exact same dress a few years ago. I think this one is pretty, but Emma is young and fiery. This dress is too old for her. And I don't think the color looks good with her hair color. Of course, what do I know, but this dress would have been much better on someone older who was trying to hide imperfections in their figure.

UGH! There's that damn leg again!

Moving on... let's tackle a trend I am 100% not a fan of. Bangs.

Starting from the left, Rooney Mara really didn't have a choice. She had to cut her hair for her freaky Girl With A Dragon Tattoo role. There's not a whole lot she could have done with it. This look however, was reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn - if Audrey Hepburn had been a goth dominatrix. Anna Faris is in the middle. She's hilarious. I love her. but I hate her hair. Sadly, this look is actually an improvement over the big, bushy bang look she had earlier this year when she hosted Saturday Night Live. But it is just not flattering at all. Then on the right, there's Ellie Kempler from Bridesmaids. Had she not been a presenter during the Oscars, I would have assumed that she had gotten lost from not being able to see and had just wandered onto the red carpet. How can she see anything?! Those bangs are ridiculous! Ladies and Gentlemen, these women are why I am currently in the painstaking process of growing my daughter's bangs out.

I'm getting pissed off again. Let's move on. Here's an interesting dichotomy. How did this person

become this person?

Glenn Close is a gorgeous woman. But for someone who can look so good, she sure can dog-ass it up. My gracious! What kind of make-up does this woman wear? If you are capable of looking like that first picture, then you must have one hell of a stylist if they can transform you into the latter.

Here's another person that I can't decide if they are actually pretty or just have a good stylist. Cameron Diaz.

I can look at her sometimes and think she is beautiful. Other times I look at her and think her eyes are so far apart that one of them is about to creep off of the side of her face. This is one of those times when I look at her and think she is beautiful. She's a little too toned - she's on her way to Madonna arms. But this dress - the style, the color - looks really great on her. I'm not real sure what's up with her hair. Sure, it's better than it was with the "hair gel" in There's Something About Mary but it looks like an afterthought. I'm sensitive to that, because my hair always looks like an afterthought even though I can guarantee it is not. The end result of my hair is never proportional to the amount of time and effort I put into it. It's depressing. But, surely Cameron has a stylist who could have done a little more.

Someone's stylist who could've done a little less is Melissa McCarthy.

It pains me to say it because I really do like her and thought she was awesome in Bridesmaids, but this dress is awful. It looks like a 1970's dress. Not a "vintage" dress, but a tacky 1970's-fashion dress. It looks like something that would have been worn by SNL's Sweeney Sisters. Observe:

Really bad.

Speaking of really bad...

I hated this dress. Joan Rivers and company really liked it and nominated her for their "best dressed" choice, but I just didn't like this look at all. First of all, the Cinnabon on top of her head looks ridiculous. She's a gorgeous woman, but her hair is pulled back so tight I'm afraid her eyeballs are about to pop out and injure someone. And this dress calls attention to the size of her hips. Is her body better than mine? Yep. Would I kill for it? Yep. But the woman has hips and this dress is like a marquis with flashing lights announcing to please direct your attention right to that area. I don't care for it.

I also don't care for this look:

This is Shailene Woodley from The Descendants. She is a pretty, young girl. This dress is way too old for her. Dame Judy Dench should be wearing this dress. Those sleeves look like something my elementary school's librarian would have sported back in the 80's. Really bad. The dress kind of reminds me of this:

If only she had a gun and two Cinnabons for the sides of her head.

My goodness someone please slap this woman.

My final critique will be for Sandra Bullock. Here's her choice for Oscar night.

Normally I think she looks pretty good. But this dress was a little Julius Caesar for my taste. I wasn't wild about it. It has an odd fit to it. And her face looked weird to me. It looked like it was pulled because her hair is pulled a little tight too. She kind of reminded me of this: