Kneel Before Zod

For those of you who do not recognize the title of this post, you are either A. too young; B. too cool; or C. both too young and too cool.  I however, know exactly what it means since my sister and I proudly work it into at least one conversation every other week.  It is a very powerful line from *one of the best action movies ever made, Superman II.  I use it as my title today in order to prove how awesome I am and to engage in a little foreshadowing for how my kids will turn out.

Yes, I am slowly ruining my children.  I am exposing them to things that I think are funny or interesting or cool and I see them emulating that and it scares the crap out of me.  You see, I am almost 38 years old.  I can go around quoting Superman II and it could be perceived as ** "funny" or "hipster" or "hey, she's SO cool she can quote a lame-ass movie and still be okay with herself". But if my kids watch, say,  *** one of the all-time greatest musical movies ever - The Pirates of Penzance - and walk around singing the songs, the other kids will simply think they are weird.  And will most likely stop playing with them.

You know, the older we get, the more comfortable we are in our skin.  We know ourselves better.  We care less what others think of us.  We are fine with our little weird tastes, habits and idiosyncrasies.  We are even fine if someone else thinks we're weird because - HEY - maybe they're weird.  They don't sing folk songs by The Kingston Trio at the top of their lungs in their car???  What's their problem?!!  But when we are kids, we want desperately to fit in.  Even before we understand what it means to fit in, we want acceptance from others.  We want the same bow so-and-so was wearing in her hair.  We don't want to be ****the last person picked for the kickball team.  We want others to like us and think we're neat.

That's where this issue with my children begins to get complicated.  You see, I have a fairly juvenile sense of humor.  I will do anything to make my girls laugh even if I have to talk about boogers and poo-poo to do it.  You know they march into their school and tell people what their mother has taught them.  They don't dare mention that I also taught them how snap their fingers or to make a ponytail.  It's the idiotic things I do that most likely make it to the playground.  I dance around like a robot when I give them their weight-gain shake they have to drink so they won't be forever saddled with my childhood body.  They laugh.  I continue to do it.  They have picked up on this little routine and now dance the same way I do.  They don't realize they are being taught to dance by a complete moron.

I like Bugs Bunny cartoons.  They now watch them, and quote them, religiously.  They are really funny - to people in their 60s.  Seriously, how many kids nowadays watch those cartoons?  Few if any.  They are classic.  Utter ridiculousness.  My sister and I still quote the silly lines to this day.  You know what kids are quoting today?  Fart jokes.  But, I won't let my kids say "fart".  We don't fart in the McCallie household.  We toot.  All of their friends can say "fart".   My kids want desperately to say "fart" and will even say it in a hushed tone so I can't hear it.  But they know they aren't supposed to and so they usually go with "toot".  I fear the labeling of them as weirdos has already begun.

Getting back to Pirates of Penzance, Kate has now proudly proclaimed on several different occasions that this is her favorite movie.  MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HER?  I love the movie - grew up watching it - and the music is great.  And yes, my sister and I still quote it.  But no ***** self-respecting person admits this.  And certainly no child should admit to this.  I am so embarrassed for her that I have begun a process of manipulation to convince her that Despicable Me is actually her favorite.  I think it's rated PG (I'm wanting her to be the "bad girl") and it has Steve Carell in it.  What could be cooler than that?  But no, she insists that Pirates of Penzance is her favorite.  And really, what 5 year old wouldn't love the song stylings of Mr. Rex Smith and the incomparable Angela Landsbury?  Kevin Kline and Linda Rondstadt are also in it which ******slightly raises the cool factor, but geez, it's still Angela Landsbury!  I don't think my kids could identify Justin Beiber or even Hannah Montana.  But that lady from Murder She Wrote?  They know her.  Rex Smith, who hosted Solid Gold in the 80s alongside Marilyn McCoo?  Yep, they know him.  Kate sings the songs and discusses the various predicaments of the characters all the time.  You know the kids on the playground are thinking, "who the hell is the Pirate King?". 

And then there's Meg.  She is slightly better off because she doesn't emulate things that I do to the degree that her sister does.  But I'm afraid I have warped her a bit, too.  A good example is this coming Halloween.  My kids have been talking about what costumes they want to wear for months now.  They both love the movie Annie (Starring Aileen Quinn.  You know, Aileen Quinn.  Hello?  Anyone?) so I suggested to Meg that she go trick or treating as Annie.  She happily agreed and now there is no talking her out of it.  That's great and all, except it was totally my idea... from 1982!!  Other kids will be going as Jessie form Toy Story with their hair braided and their cute cowgirl boots. Other kids will dress up in a pretty dress with long, white gloves and a tiara and go as a princess.  Other kids will wear pretty, sheer wings and have glitter in their hair and go as a fairy.  Meg will be clomping around the neighborhood wearing a big, red afro.

So what are some other things my children have to *******look forward to?  Well, my sister and I happily quote Superman II (as well as the original Superman of course!), The Pirates of Penzance, Looney Tunes, Annie, and scores of other embarrassing, ridiculous movies pretty much EVERY time were speak to or see each other.  We do quote a lot of Saturday Night Live, but before you go thinking that somehow ********redeems us, you should know that a lot of it is from the early 80s when people like Tim Kazurinsky were on.  (In case you are wondering, her kids are probably no better off than my own.  My apologies to them as well as to my kids who are doomed to turn out just like me.)

While I am doling out apologies, I obviously owe a big one to my sister whom I have outed as being as gigantic a geek as I am.  I will have to now throw myself at her mercy.  I hope she doesn't hit me with a stern, "KNEEEEEL BEFORE ZODDDDD"!!!! 

Anyway, if you or your children come in contact with either of my girls, please do your best to undo some of the monumental damage I have done.  Please put them in touch with the right movies, music, dancing and popular culture for a child their age.  Please intervene as you see fit and they will thank you for it one day when they realize they have forgotten all of the words to "A Rollicking Band of Pirates We".

* No one has ever called Superman II one of the best action, or any other type of movie, ever made.
** It is actually perceived as none of these.
*** The Pirates of Penzance has never been labeled as one of the all-time greatest movie musicals ever.  Ever.
**** Say hello to the last person picked to be on the kickball team.  :(
***** I have no self-respect.
****** Not nearly enough.
******* Dread.
******** As if anything could.