I suppose I've already tipped my hand by titling this post "Guilt". But yes, guilt, is the correct answer. Every mother I've ever known has had it. Mommy Guilt they call it. It's a real, actual thing and regardless of whether you work or stay at home, volunteer at the school, go to every ballet practice or soccer game, you have it. I've not yet met a mother who doesn't feel guilty about something. There is some comfort for me in knowing that I'm not the only one, but over time, I find that there are way too many things to feel guilty about. I find that I am devoting entirely too much time feeling guilty. It seems like what little time is left after doing all of the things that cause me to feel guilt in my parenting and my life in general is spent feeling guilty about doing those things. (Did you follow that?)
So what kinds of things are we mothers feeling guilty about? Plenty. Here are some examples of the guilt I, personally, felt this past week.
For starters, I got annoyed because I was having to ask Kate to do something for the fourth time with no response from her. So, I did what any other patient and loving mother would do. I raised my voice to her. Okay, I barked at her. Yelled. I didn't say anything mean. But I did yell and it scared her because normally we laugh and joke and I can get a response without having to see that kind of childish behavior (coming from me, mind you, not her). So I experienced Lost Temper Guilt.
I allowed my children to have canned, sodium-filled chicken noodle soup for dinner twice last week. because a. they like it and b. (and more importantly) it's easy. Not exactly steering them toward sound nutrition. Plus, when you consider the McDonald's I had let them have last week as well, I realized I was experiencing Contributing to America's Obesity Problem Guilt.
One night this week, I put my kids to bed as I usually do - together in the same room. They have been doing this for a couple of years now and I love it so much. I think it is so sweet that they sleep together in the same room when they each have their own bedroom. However, Kate is getting older (well, they both are I suppose) and wanting to sleep by herself which I know will devastate her very dependent sister. At any rate, It was the end of the day and my tank was beyond empty. They were arguing over how light their nightlight should be. Kate likes it dark; Meg light. I told them they needed to "compromise" and work it out themselves. Of course, neither of them knows what it means to "compromise" and I didn't bother to explain what the word means. Instead, I got madder and madder at Meg's unreasonable (yet totally normal) fear of the dark and Kate's inflexibility. I told them just to work it out. Laissez Faire Parenting Guilt. After an hour, they were still cracking and uncracking the door and neither of them were even close to being asleep. Well played, Mama. Well played.
I spend a good deal of time on the computer. I used to be on it all day at work - back when I was an important cog in the wheel of something other than American Girl trivia. So I am used to checking my email. Now, I look at the headlines - Have they released that poor hostage in Alabama? What is up with this crazy weather? Al Roker did WHAT at the White House?! I check Facebook. As time-wasting and intelligence-depleting as Facebook is, I guess I do have a certain addiction to it. I can't help but get sucked in to the Praying for So-And-So pages that my friends "like". I end up reading all kinds of depressing stories that concern people I've never known or will ever know. Yet, I have to know and understand their plight so I can feel awful for them and be thankful for my own family's good health. I also suffer from an uncontrollable urge to comment on things. If I think it is funny, I simply cannot help myself but to post it under your picture or status update. The problem is, I do this instead of spending time with my precious children who I quit my job for in order to stay home and be a "present" mother to.
I didn't realize my Facebook use was as frequent as it apparently is until I read a recent school journal entry from Kate. The question to which she was supposed to reply was something about what does Santa do when he's not busy Santa-ing. Kate wrote a detailed essay about how he interacts with his elves, eats dinner with Mrs. Claus and checks his Facebook page. The only reason she knows what Facebook is, is because Mama spends an exorbitant amount of time on it. This is a phenomenon known as Ignoring Your Children In Favor of Absolute Drivel Guilt. This is also known simply as Facebook Guilt.
Further, when she completed an assignment where she was to name characteristics of her mother, two words/phrases she used were "lazzy" and "takes naps". Now, she didn't know that "lazy" carries with it a rather negative connotation, but she couldn't even spell it right, Perhaps if her mother would quit napping, she could help her spell words like "lazy". Napping Too Frequently Guilt. She did say I was "nice" so there's that... That was obviously before I yelled at her.
For starters, I got annoyed because I was having to ask Kate to do something for the fourth time with no response from her. So, I did what any other patient and loving mother would do. I raised my voice to her. Okay, I barked at her. Yelled. I didn't say anything mean. But I did yell and it scared her because normally we laugh and joke and I can get a response without having to see that kind of childish behavior (coming from me, mind you, not her). So I experienced Lost Temper Guilt.
I allowed my children to have canned, sodium-filled chicken noodle soup for dinner twice last week. because a. they like it and b. (and more importantly) it's easy. Not exactly steering them toward sound nutrition. Plus, when you consider the McDonald's I had let them have last week as well, I realized I was experiencing Contributing to America's Obesity Problem Guilt.
One night this week, I put my kids to bed as I usually do - together in the same room. They have been doing this for a couple of years now and I love it so much. I think it is so sweet that they sleep together in the same room when they each have their own bedroom. However, Kate is getting older (well, they both are I suppose) and wanting to sleep by herself which I know will devastate her very dependent sister. At any rate, It was the end of the day and my tank was beyond empty. They were arguing over how light their nightlight should be. Kate likes it dark; Meg light. I told them they needed to "compromise" and work it out themselves. Of course, neither of them knows what it means to "compromise" and I didn't bother to explain what the word means. Instead, I got madder and madder at Meg's unreasonable (yet totally normal) fear of the dark and Kate's inflexibility. I told them just to work it out. Laissez Faire Parenting Guilt. After an hour, they were still cracking and uncracking the door and neither of them were even close to being asleep. Well played, Mama. Well played.
I spend a good deal of time on the computer. I used to be on it all day at work - back when I was an important cog in the wheel of something other than American Girl trivia. So I am used to checking my email. Now, I look at the headlines - Have they released that poor hostage in Alabama? What is up with this crazy weather? Al Roker did WHAT at the White House?! I check Facebook. As time-wasting and intelligence-depleting as Facebook is, I guess I do have a certain addiction to it. I can't help but get sucked in to the Praying for So-And-So pages that my friends "like". I end up reading all kinds of depressing stories that concern people I've never known or will ever know. Yet, I have to know and understand their plight so I can feel awful for them and be thankful for my own family's good health. I also suffer from an uncontrollable urge to comment on things. If I think it is funny, I simply cannot help myself but to post it under your picture or status update. The problem is, I do this instead of spending time with my precious children who I quit my job for in order to stay home and be a "present" mother to.
I didn't realize my Facebook use was as frequent as it apparently is until I read a recent school journal entry from Kate. The question to which she was supposed to reply was something about what does Santa do when he's not busy Santa-ing. Kate wrote a detailed essay about how he interacts with his elves, eats dinner with Mrs. Claus and checks his Facebook page. The only reason she knows what Facebook is, is because Mama spends an exorbitant amount of time on it. This is a phenomenon known as Ignoring Your Children In Favor of Absolute Drivel Guilt. This is also known simply as Facebook Guilt.
Further, when she completed an assignment where she was to name characteristics of her mother, two words/phrases she used were "lazzy" and "takes naps". Now, she didn't know that "lazy" carries with it a rather negative connotation, but she couldn't even spell it right, Perhaps if her mother would quit napping, she could help her spell words like "lazy". Napping Too Frequently Guilt. She did say I was "nice" so there's that... That was obviously before I yelled at her.
I have been getting emails all week about the girls' Valentine parties at school. I've done nothing to contribute to either party. This is why I stayed home from work - to be an involved parent - and I have no idea what's being planned, what's been done, and what I need to do. Part of the issue is that I've gotten so many emails about all of it that I can't keep them all straight. How did I ever manage 450+ employees before? I used to get easily over 100 emails a day and now the 6 that I get today that aren't junk totally confound me. In fairness to me, I've been sick. I've been unable to shake this stupid cold I have and I have had no energy at all. I must say though, I'm a little concerned that I am using this cold as a convenient excuse to be lazy. True Colors Guilt. I'm A Lazy Sack Of Crap Guilt.
You know, now that I'm thinking about it, guilt may not be limited to just mothers. I am just now realizing that I've never met a woman who doesn't feel guilty about things she is doing or things she hasn't done or things she may do at some point. Heck, women feel guilt about things over which they have absolutely no control. Right now, I am having a self-conscious thing about the bags and dark circles under my eyes. I know Mike has noticed. AND, I'm turning 40 this year so I feel like it'sall anhyone can see when they look at me. I Apologize For Actually Aging Guilt. My face may be haggard, but I will say that I'm probably in the best shape Ive ever been in (which, sadly, isn't saying a lot). I am exercising at least four days a week and I am eating better. More lean protein; more fiber. Which, of course, leads to the worst thing for a marriage. Flatulence Guilt.
But, why am I feeling all of this guilt? Other people in this house do things that they should feel plenty guilty about. Take Dudley, our elderly Jack Russell Terrier. He pees in the house AT LEAST twice a day. Guess who has to clean it up? Yep. Me. He doesn't appear to feel bad about it at all.
Mike disrobes at night before going to bed and leaves his clothes wherever they fall - usually right in the path to the bathroom. He has to literally step over them in the morning. Which he does. Without moving them. They are left for me. Or for him if I decide to stand my ground and not move them. But how long can I go with a pair of men's underpants on my floor for the world to see? Not long. I usually move them. Where is his guilt?
And don't get me started on the girls. They make messes. They spill food. They are loud when I need them to be quiet. It's like they are children for crying out loud! Why don't they feel bad about that? Ugh. So frustrating. Frustrated That My Kids Are Kids Guilt. I mean, what gives?
Of course, when I get really frustrated with Mike he does something very sweet for me and I experience I Am Such A Bitch Guilt. And when my kids frustrate me to the end of all reason, I take a step back and realize that one day all of that noise and mess in the room will be gone. Not Thankful Enough For What I Have Guilt. And poor Dudley. He'll be 16 this year. He's on a limited time budget with us. He was my firstborn. I have been his Mama for almost 16 years and I can't clean up a little tee-tee? PETA Is Gonna Douse Me In Paint Guilt.
Sadly, this post is pointless as I do not have the cure for all of this guilt. Part of reconciling it is admitting you have a problem, right? And perhaps part of overcoming guilt is recognizing what it is, when it rears its head, and what you'd be missing if you didn't have the things in your life that bring it on. Deep Thought Guilt.
So all of you moms and women out there, relax. Ease up on yourself and know you are doing the best you can. Everyone ends up in therapy at some point anyway, right? Moms just help their kids - daughters especially - get there faster. Your Best Will Never Be Good Enough Guilt. Enjoy what you have when you have it. Most of us have more than we could have ever dreamed we would have.
Crappy Post Guilt. My apologies.
You know, now that I'm thinking about it, guilt may not be limited to just mothers. I am just now realizing that I've never met a woman who doesn't feel guilty about things she is doing or things she hasn't done or things she may do at some point. Heck, women feel guilt about things over which they have absolutely no control. Right now, I am having a self-conscious thing about the bags and dark circles under my eyes. I know Mike has noticed. AND, I'm turning 40 this year so I feel like it'sall anhyone can see when they look at me. I Apologize For Actually Aging Guilt. My face may be haggard, but I will say that I'm probably in the best shape Ive ever been in (which, sadly, isn't saying a lot). I am exercising at least four days a week and I am eating better. More lean protein; more fiber. Which, of course, leads to the worst thing for a marriage. Flatulence Guilt.
But, why am I feeling all of this guilt? Other people in this house do things that they should feel plenty guilty about. Take Dudley, our elderly Jack Russell Terrier. He pees in the house AT LEAST twice a day. Guess who has to clean it up? Yep. Me. He doesn't appear to feel bad about it at all.
Mike disrobes at night before going to bed and leaves his clothes wherever they fall - usually right in the path to the bathroom. He has to literally step over them in the morning. Which he does. Without moving them. They are left for me. Or for him if I decide to stand my ground and not move them. But how long can I go with a pair of men's underpants on my floor for the world to see? Not long. I usually move them. Where is his guilt?
And don't get me started on the girls. They make messes. They spill food. They are loud when I need them to be quiet. It's like they are children for crying out loud! Why don't they feel bad about that? Ugh. So frustrating. Frustrated That My Kids Are Kids Guilt. I mean, what gives?
Of course, when I get really frustrated with Mike he does something very sweet for me and I experience I Am Such A Bitch Guilt. And when my kids frustrate me to the end of all reason, I take a step back and realize that one day all of that noise and mess in the room will be gone. Not Thankful Enough For What I Have Guilt. And poor Dudley. He'll be 16 this year. He's on a limited time budget with us. He was my firstborn. I have been his Mama for almost 16 years and I can't clean up a little tee-tee? PETA Is Gonna Douse Me In Paint Guilt.
Sadly, this post is pointless as I do not have the cure for all of this guilt. Part of reconciling it is admitting you have a problem, right? And perhaps part of overcoming guilt is recognizing what it is, when it rears its head, and what you'd be missing if you didn't have the things in your life that bring it on. Deep Thought Guilt.
So all of you moms and women out there, relax. Ease up on yourself and know you are doing the best you can. Everyone ends up in therapy at some point anyway, right? Moms just help their kids - daughters especially - get there faster. Your Best Will Never Be Good Enough Guilt. Enjoy what you have when you have it. Most of us have more than we could have ever dreamed we would have.
Crappy Post Guilt. My apologies.
OK, I just have to say that I burst out laughing at Kate describing you with "lazy" and "takes naps"... that is hilarious! Bet her teacher enjoyed that. :)
ReplyDeleteMarissa