Maggie McCallie's 2013 Oscar Fashion Review

Yes, folks.  It's that time of year again.  Time for a girl in a used-to-be-white, pit-stained t-shirt and even-more-threadbare-than-last-year flannel pants to rate the stars' fashion at the Oscars ceremony.  Forget Joan Rivers.  Sure, her show is entertaining.  But every comment she makes is meant as a set up to a big joke.  I wonder half the time if she's really critiquing the clothes or just doing a  stand-up routine.  Plus, she's also not a "real" person.  And I don't just mean all of the synthetic stuff that's in her face.  She's been in Hollywood too long.  She's jaded.  She knows and understands fashion,  She's not like the rest of us.  Plus, her face has been pulled so tight from all of the plastic surgery, that I'm not convinced she can even see out of her eyes anymore.  The evidence:

So, I am forced to be the voice of the average person to rate how the stars did on Hollywood's biggest night.  Let's get to it.

I'd like to start with this year's winners. The first female winner of the night was Anne Hathaway.  She is a tremendous actress although not so great at acting like she's humble and doesn't expect to win.  There's something about her that's a little too self-important for me to truly be happy for her.  Here is her look:

I'd like to thank the Academy, the cast and crew, and, of course, my pert breasts.

She always looks great, but I didn't care for this look.  First of all, the neckline of the dress was too high to add a necklace - particularly one as chunky as this.  And then there's the obvious focal point - the tatas.  We all know you have breasts, Anne.  Anyone who had the misfortune of seeing Love And Other Drugs saw the hell out of them.  I didn't need to see them again tonight. 

Moving on.  Best Actress went to Jennifer Lawrence who I have to say I didn't much care for until I saw her in Silver Linings Playbook.  She just seemed a little too pouty.  Too "over" all of the glitz and glam that you just know was the reason she got into acting in the first place.  It burns me up when someone who has found success in Hollywood acts so ungrateful for it.  (I'm talking about you, Kristen Stewart, but I'll get to your dour ass in a minute.)  So here is Jennifer:

She looked stunning. Not at all pouty.  She looked young, which she is, and glamorous.  One of the best dressed ladies of the night which, in my opinion, were few.  She nailed it.  Her hair was flawless and the dress was a perfect choice for her age and skin tone.  She even managed to look good like this:

Would you not DIE if this happened to you at the Oscars?!  Joan Rivers even quipped that she's not the first girl to get on all fours on her way to an Oscar.  Good Lord.  Something like 40 million people watch this show.  At least she didn't do anything stupid.

Like this person:

I shouldn't say she looked "stupid".  I mean, on my best day I look like Naomi Watts probably does when she has a stomach bug and has been standing outside in the humidity after not having showered for a week and a half.  But what was with this dress?  Why the boob cut-out?  The color was pretty and her hair and make-up looked nice.  I just felt like the designer inadvertently forgot to finish making it and didn't have the heart to tell her once she had it on.

Let's move on to past winners.  Here's my Auburn girl, Octavia Spencer:

Just beautiful.  Joan and her cohosts kept making comments about how she looks good and knows how to dress "for her size".  I'm sorry but she looks great regardless of her size, height, hair color, toe length, favorite book or secret mole.  The dress is gorgeous and she wears it well.  The color is pretty against her skin and her jewelry goes nicely.  Good job, Octavia.  And War Eagle!

Here's another past winner:

 

 

 

I like this dress very much.  I, myself, am a fan of the capped sleeve.  Plus, Sandra Bullock is one person who appears to not have had major work done.  She is aging gracefully for someone in Hollywood which is commendable.   There was just one thing I thought was weird.

 

 

 

Why does she look like she had a bedazzled hearing aid?  I suppose this was a hair clip, but I kept waiting for her to answer a call on it.  It was awkward.  Not quite as awkward as when she did this:

 

 

 

... but awkward just the same.

 

Let's move to Nicole Kidman.

 

 

 

 

Nicole has had so much Botox that these days she looks like she's wearing a Nicole Kidman mask.  Luckily, she seems to have toned it down and her face doesn't look so weird.  I wasn't wild about the dress, but it was fine I guess.  The main thing I noticed was the size of her boobs.  She's shown 'em before in a movie or two.  She doesn't have much.  (Which is perfectly acceptable since I find myself in the same boat.)  So, what is all of that that is spilling out of the top of her dress?!  To me, this look screamed "Aging Star Who Wants To Still Try To Be Sexy But Is Really Past All Of That And Should Just Embrace The Roles As Channing Tatum's Mother That Are Likely The Only Ones Coming Her Way".  I should probably just be grateful I only had to put up with her boobs instead of Angelina's stupid leg from last year.

 

 

 

 

I love Reese Witherspoon but I don't love this dress.  She looks great, of course, and she had a baby like, 16 minutes ago.  But I didn't like the black at the top and at her ribcage.  I guess maybe it was meant to be slimming since she does have a newborn, but I would have liked it better if the whole dress was blue.  Also, Joan and her crew said that Reese had the best hair on the red carpet.  I have to disagree.  This hair looked like a Price Is Right Model from 1982.  I kept waiting for when she would direct someone toward the Plinko board and it just never happened.



 

 

 

Oh, gosh!  There it is again!

 

 

How about the pre-awards-show shows?  I only watched the one on ABC hosted by Kristen Chenowith and a slew of ABC personalities.  Most notably, Robin Roberts.

 

 



 

 

How great does she look?  What a year she's had.  She's such a neat lady and beautiful as well.  She's had medical issue after medical issue and all I can think of is, "Why don't my arms look like that?".  She looks terrific.  She is rocking the short hair and looks fabulous in that exquisite blue. 

 

But speaking of Kristen Chenowith, I would be remiss if I didn't address her interview with Adele.

 

 

 



Kristen's interview style was a little hero-worshippy for my taste.  And I'm pretty sure I heard her tell two different Best Actress nominees that she wanted them to win.  But it was her interview with Adele that made me wonder, When does Jack The Giant Slayer come to theaters?  I mean, these two people standing next to each other do not look like they are from the same species!  Adele recently had a baby, but why is she eight feet tall?  I guess Kristen is just really small.  Seems like I read that she rode to the ceremony in Jack Nicholson's pocket.  This was just a strange visual.  Not as strange perhaps, as this one:

 



 

 

You know what wasn't a strange visual?  This:

 

 

Jessica Chastain looked gorgeous.  Which was hard to imagine after this:

 

 

But her hair, her dress, her make-up - everything - was just right.  The color of her dress seemed like it was made for her skin.  She looked so good that I might actually be able to forgive her Golden Globes hair.

Another stunning look of the night, not surprisingly, was Charlize Theron.   What's interesting is that I am mistaken for her like, all  the time.  It's to the point where I have to go out in public wearing disguises.  Things like ill-fitting, outdated clothes and bad hair; so people won't think I'm her.  Anyway, she had to shave her head for a movie role and her hair has only recently stated growing out.  Look at this.  Are you kidding me???

 

If I shaved my head, this is what I would like:

 

 



 

Another gorgeous lady:

Has Halle Berry ever looked bad?  Well, I didn't care for her Golden Globes one-boob-out look:

 

 

It was kind of weird.  But even with that, she is gorgeous!  As with the Globes, I wasn't wild about her dress.  I kept thinking she was about to board the Starship Enterprise.  But still, Halle's worst day blows my best day off the map.

 

Now let's tackle two people I wish hadn't even shown up.  First, there's the incomparable Kristen Stewart.  First of all, why was she invited to the Oscars?!  She had just won several Razzies the evening before for whatever idiotic vampire movie she made last year.  She's mostly famous for sleeping with her married director.  She plays the same pouty, angst-ridden character in every movie she's in.  Why does she have an acting career?  She is not the least bit charismatic as she showcased during her grumbling presentation at the Oscar podium Sunday.   She seems like she has the sourest personality.  In fact, here she is doing her best smile:

 



 

 

In this shot, someone has just told her that they've found a cure for cancer.

 

 

Here, she's learned that they solved the decades-old mystery surrounding the death of JFK.

 

 

 

 Here, she's just learned of a horrific, fiery bus crash:





 

 

Ugh.  She has got to go.  She needs a sense of humor.  Like this person:

 

 



Finally, our "national treasure" Barbra Streisand.  I know Hollywood just loves this woman and that her surprise appearance was a highlight for all of them, but UGH.  I'm over her. She looked like she was shooting a movie where she would play a wicked queen.  Observe:

 

 

 

 

I'm going to cook you and eat you for my supper!!!

 

She is too old for long hair and a butt-cut.  And where are her breasts?  On the floor?  Look how low that dress is!  C'mon, Babs.  When you sing "Memories" I am wishing it was in reference to your career.  A distant memory.

 

 

Overall, the Oscars were nice, but certainly not the most glamorous I've seen.  And I know glamour. 

 

 

 

 

Seth MacFarlane was funny and the musical numbers were great (except for the lip-synched "All That Jazz" which showcased the fact that Catherine Zeta Jones hasn't had to move like that in the ten years since the move was made).  The In Memoriam part was weird (thanks, Barbra) due to the fact they left so many notable people out.  Andy Griffith?  Phyllis Diller?  And the show was excruciatingly long.  Don't they realize that no one cares about Best Documentary Short Subject?!  Get to the meaty stuff we all tune in for.  But I still love it and look forward to it every year.  Just as I'm sure you look forward to my insightful and meticulous reviews of the fashions.  Until next year... that's a wrap!

 

Disney Magic

I actually began this post prior to writing "Guilt"but never finished it until now.  Pardon the errors in continuity.



Happy New Year!  We are now into February and I have missed several opportunities for hilarious blog posts already this year.  Let's see, there was the Golden Globes - the fashion disasters and odd speeches were enough for two posts!  There was the news of a Kim Kardashian/Kanye West baby - a sure sign the world must be coming to an end.  And speaking of baby bumps - all of Britain (and, inexplicably, America) were on the edge of their seats trying to catch a glimpse of Princess (Duchess?) Kate's new baby bump.  But all of it pales in comparison to my family's third trip to Disney World.

Okay, maybe the Kim and Kanye baby is a bigger deal than what's taking place in my small section of the world (I mean, can you imagine the level of confidence that kid will have??), BUT, there is something about Disney that just brings out the kid in everyone and our family has such a great time every time we go.  I must start out by saying that I am not the type of person who usually likes a Disney-type phenomenon.  I am sarcastic and cynical.  I don't get into things like that.  It's hard for me to relax and enjoy something that is, by nature, so ridiculous and over-done.  I like my space.  I like solitude.  I don't like a tremendous amount of heat and humidity.  I loathe large groups and cliches - both of which are a huge part of the lure of Disney.  And yet, I cannot say enough positive things about being there with my family.

The three times we have visited Disney have all been in January.  Since Mike also doesn't like crowds, we figure that that's the time when the fewest amount of people will be there.  (Why should we expose ourselves to a situation that requires that we interact with anyone?!) The weather is cool or, at the very least unpredictable which keeps people away.  It's right after people have spent a bunch of money on Christmas.  Kids are back in school.  It's PERFECT!  The longest lines (with a Fast Pass) have traditionally been only about 30 minutes for us.  That's unheard of during the warmer months.  We stay off property - onto which , I have found, people look down their noses.  But, as I mentioned before, we like our space.  I am not interested in sharing a room with my kids.  I like our occasional spend-the-night parties as much as anyone, but after a long day of traipsing around Disney brushing up against B.O-riddled foreigners, the last thing I want to do is go to sleep with a bony knee crushing my ribs.  So, we stay in a condo off property and have a good amount of space to ourselves for a fraction of what it would cost to get to say, with our heads held high, that we stayed "on property".

Two days before we were scheduled to leave, Kate came down with strep throat.  She was kind of puny and had a headache so, as a precaution, I took her to the pediatrician.  She had no common symptoms of strep so I was shocked that that was the diagnosis.  I was relieved, though, because those antibiotics have my kids feeling better within 24 hours.  So, I felt as though she would be in the clear by the time we got there.  Unfortunately, the day we left for Orlando, Meg began coughing and becoming feverish.  Her symptoms were completely different from Kate's and she was, in fact, much worse.  Kate had a mild fever.  Meg was burning up.  She was so stopped up that she couldn't breathe.  She was miserable.  I felt so sorry for her.  We used almost an entire box of Kleenex on her on the ride down.  She was squirting baby nose drops every couple of hours to try and bring some relief, but there really was none.  I was able to get a prescription called in for her, but it took her a lot longer to get over it. 

I really think Meg's issues were related to a cold and not strep.  The reason I know this is because I eventually caught it from Meg.  She started the week miserable, and that's how I ended the week.  Good health was not on our side.  But I have to say that both girls, while they felt pretty crummy, really rallied and did not allow it to interfere with their ability to enjoy Disney and have a good attitude about being there while sick.  Because of their resilience, I was forced to also rally when what I really wanted to do was sleep - uninterrupted - for about a day and a half.  But they didn't complain, so neither could I.  They were very good examples to me and I was grateful for it.  I also had Mike's voice playing in my head for much of the trip.  Early in our marriage, something had happened - can't remember now - but he commented that he was impressed that I hadn't let it get to me and was able to enjoy whatever it was we were doing despite the bad circumstances.  Since then, I have done everything possible to keep up the illusion that I am a "trooper" when, in actuality, nothing could be further from the truth. 

At any rate, this was our first trip in which our children understood that the characters were simply that: characters.  They knew that it wasn't really Snow White that hugged them, but someone pretending to be her.  (That's not really the Mad Hatter; just a perv in a costume who makes money by hugging children.)  And the way I figure it, most of the people in the costumes have to be men.  I mean, obviously the princesses are women, but how would it be if your child hugged Mickey Mouse and felt a pair of breasts rub against them?  Wouldn't they think that odd?  So, who knows who is  really underneath all of the costumes.  Doesn't matter really.  That's the magic of Disney!

Our trip differed in another way as well.  Kate was hungry for adventure.  Up until this trip, we had gone on rides like Dumbo that are kid-friendly.  This time, she labeled these as "boring" and went after every roller coaster she could ride due to her height.  She even made me ride Everest which is a scary-ass roller coaster at Animal Kingdom.  The ONLY reason I rode it was because I really don't want to pass along my fears (both the rational {sharks} and the irrational {the roller coaster is going to fly off the track and crash into a crowd of people and probably a shark will swim over and kill me}) to my children.  I want them to be curious and adventurous with a healthy dose of caution.  I don't have a healthy dose of caution.  I am as cautious as a mo-fo.  It's kind of a problem.

I worried that the trip would be "totally lame" to her and that she would be able to convince Meg that it wasn't as great as we all remembered it.  To my surprise and delight, as we got out of the car that first day, Meg held my hand and skipped all the way to the monorail.  I don't even know if she was aware she was doing it.  I looked ahead at Mike and Kate and realized that Kate was doing the exact same thing.  She was pulling her daddy's arm as she skipped off trying to get there as fast as she could.  I was getting a little weepy and we weren't even in the damn park yet!  They both had the Mickey ears on as they raced toward the action.  They hugged the princesses and characters (sweaty pervs) and acted like it was their very first trip. 

I don't know what it is about that place.  It's the happiest place I've ever seen.  They obviously have made an art out of tourism.  Everything runs smoothly with probably thousands of employees with a, "Have a magical day!" at the ready.  The shows are impressive.  The grounds are clean.  The lines are controlled.  They've got it down pat.  We have never had a bad experience there.  Our kids love it.  We love it.  It truly is a "magical" place.

Below is a picture I took during our first trip.  It is of Kate watching a show where Maleficent, the evil queen from the Sleeping Beauty story, shows up in a huge puff of smoke.  This perfectly encapsulates the magic.  See for yourself.

And this was Kate and her sister this year.  Not much has changed.

Everyone needs to take their kids at least one time to experience it.  It is truly one of our family's treasured memories.

Guilt

Question: What is one thing that all mothers share regardless of age, race, creed, (gender doesn't count here, right?  We are all mothers.), religion, yada, yada, yada?

I suppose I've already tipped my hand by titling this post "Guilt".  But yes, guilt, is the correct answer. Every mother I've ever known has had it.  Mommy Guilt they call it.  It's a real, actual thing and regardless of whether you work or stay at home, volunteer at the school, go to every ballet practice or soccer game, you have it.  I've not yet met a mother who doesn't feel guilty about something.  There is some comfort for me in knowing that I'm not the only one, but over time, I find that there are way too many things to feel guilty about.  I find that I am devoting entirely too much time feeling guilty.  It seems like what little time is left after doing all of the things that cause me to feel guilt in my parenting and my life in general is spent feeling guilty about doing those things.  (Did you follow that?)  

So what kinds of things are we mothers feeling guilty about?  Plenty.  Here are some examples of the guilt I, personally, felt this past week.

For starters, I got annoyed because I was having to ask Kate to do something for the fourth time with no response from her.  So, I did what any other patient and loving mother would do.  I raised my voice to her.  Okay, I barked at her.  Yelled.  I didn't say anything mean.  But I did yell and it scared her because normally we laugh and joke and I can get a response without having to see that kind of childish behavior (coming from me, mind you, not her).  So I experienced Lost Temper Guilt. 

I allowed my children to have canned, sodium-filled chicken noodle soup for dinner twice last week. because a. they like it and b. (and more importantly) it's easy.  Not exactly steering them toward sound nutrition.  Plus, when you consider the McDonald's I had let them have last week as well, I realized I was experiencing Contributing to America's Obesity Problem Guilt. 

One night this week, I put my kids to bed as I usually do - together in the same room.  They have been doing this for a couple of years now and I love it so much.  I think it is so sweet that they sleep together in the same room when they each have their own bedroom.  However, Kate is getting older (well, they both are I suppose) and wanting to sleep by herself which I know will devastate her very dependent sister.  At any rate, It was the end of the day and my tank was beyond empty.  They were arguing over how light their nightlight should be.  Kate likes it dark; Meg light.  I told them they needed to "compromise" and work it out themselves.  Of course, neither of them knows what it means to "compromise" and I didn't bother to explain what the word means.  Instead, I got madder and madder at Meg's unreasonable (yet totally normal) fear of the dark and Kate's inflexibility.  I told them just to work it out.  Laissez Faire Parenting Guilt.  After an hour, they were still cracking and uncracking the door and neither of them were even close to being asleep.  Well played, Mama.  Well played.

I spend a good deal of time on the computer.  I used to be on it all day at work - back when I was an important cog in the wheel of something other than American Girl trivia.  So I am used to checking my email.  Now, I look at the headlines - Have they released that poor hostage in Alabama?  What is up with this crazy weather?  Al Roker did WHAT at the White House?!  I check Facebook.  As time-wasting and intelligence-depleting as Facebook is, I guess I do have a certain addiction to it.  I can't help but get sucked in to the Praying for So-And-So pages that my friends "like".  I end up reading all kinds of depressing stories that concern people I've never known or will ever know.  Yet, I have to know and understand their plight so I can feel awful for them and be thankful for my own family's good health.  I also suffer from an uncontrollable urge to comment on things.  If I think it is funny, I simply cannot help myself but to post it under your picture or status update.  The problem is, I do this instead of spending time with my precious children who I quit my job for in order to stay home and be a "present" mother to. 

I didn't realize my Facebook use was as frequent as it apparently is until I read a recent school journal entry from Kate.  The question to which she was supposed to reply was something about what does Santa do when he's not busy Santa-ing.  Kate wrote a detailed essay about how he interacts with his elves, eats dinner with Mrs. Claus and checks his Facebook page.  The only reason she knows what Facebook is, is because Mama spends an exorbitant amount of time on it.  This is a phenomenon known as Ignoring Your Children In Favor of Absolute Drivel Guilt.  This is also known simply as Facebook Guilt. 

Further, when she completed an assignment where she was to name characteristics of her mother, two words/phrases she used were "lazzy" and "takes naps".  Now, she didn't know that "lazy" carries with it a rather negative connotation, but she couldn't even spell it right,  Perhaps if her mother would quit napping, she could help her spell words like "lazy".  Napping Too Frequently Guilt.  She did say I was "nice" so there's that...  That was obviously before I yelled at her.

I have been getting emails all week about the girls' Valentine parties at school. I've done nothing to contribute to either party. This is why I stayed home from work -  to be an involved parent - and I have no idea what's being planned, what's been done, and what I need to do. Part of the issue is that I've gotten so many emails about all of it that I can't keep them all straight. How did I ever manage 450+ employees before? I used to get easily over 100 emails a day and now the 6 that I get today that aren't junk totally confound me.  In fairness to me, I've been sick.  I've been unable to shake this stupid cold I have and I have had no energy at all.  I must say though, I'm a little concerned that I am using this cold as a convenient excuse to be lazy.  True Colors Guilt.  I'm A Lazy Sack Of Crap Guilt.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, guilt may not be limited to just mothers.  I am just now realizing that I've never met a woman who doesn't feel guilty about things she is doing or things she hasn't done or things she may do at some point.  Heck, women feel guilt about things over which they have absolutely no control.    Right now, I am having a self-conscious thing about the bags and dark circles under my eyes.  I know Mike has noticed.  AND, I'm turning 40 this year so I feel like it'sall anhyone can see when they look at me.  I Apologize For Actually Aging Guilt. My face may be haggard, but I will say that I'm probably in the best shape Ive ever been in (which, sadly, isn't saying a lot).  I am exercising at least four days a week and I am eating better.  More lean protein; more fiber.  Which, of course, leads to the worst thing for a marriage.  Flatulence Guilt. 

But, why am I feeling all of this guilt?  Other people in this house do things that they should feel plenty guilty about.  Take Dudley, our elderly Jack Russell Terrier.  He pees in the house AT LEAST twice a day.  Guess who has to clean it up?  Yep.  Me.  He doesn't appear to feel bad about it at all.

Mike disrobes at night before going to bed and leaves his clothes wherever they fall - usually right in the path to the bathroom.  He has to literally step over them in the morning.  Which he does.  Without moving them.  They are left for me.  Or for him if I decide to stand my ground and not move them.  But how long can I go with a pair of men's underpants on my floor for the world to see?  Not long.  I usually move them.  Where is his guilt? 

And don't get me started on the girls.  They make messes.  They spill food.  They are loud when I need them to be quiet.  It's like they are children for crying out loud!  Why don't they feel bad about that?  Ugh.  So frustrating.  Frustrated That My Kids Are Kids Guilt.  I mean, what gives? 

Of course, when I get really frustrated with Mike he does something very sweet for me and I experience I Am Such A Bitch Guilt.  And when my kids frustrate me to the end of all reason, I take a step back and realize that one day all of that noise and mess in the room will be gone.  Not Thankful Enough For What I Have Guilt.  And poor Dudley.  He'll be 16 this year.  He's on a limited time budget with us.  He was my firstborn.  I have been his Mama for almost 16 years and I can't clean up a little tee-tee?  PETA Is Gonna Douse Me In Paint Guilt.

Sadly, this post is pointless as I do not have the cure for all of this guilt.  Part of reconciling it is admitting you have a problem, right?  And perhaps part of overcoming guilt is recognizing what it is, when it rears its head, and what you'd be missing if you didn't have the things in your life that bring it on.  Deep Thought Guilt.

So all of you moms and women out there, relax.  Ease up on yourself and know you are doing the best you can.  Everyone ends up in therapy at some point anyway, right?  Moms just help their kids - daughters especially - get there faster.  Your Best Will Never Be Good Enough Guilt.  Enjoy what you have when you have it.  Most of us have more than we could have ever dreamed we would have.

Crappy Post Guilt.  My apologies.