New Diet Plan

I’m going to lose 10-15 pounds. But THIS time, I’m not going to put them somewhere where I can find them. I should at least make them difficult to find even if I do ultimately remember where I put them.

This weight gain is ridiculous. I’ve been telling people that I need to lose ten pounds even though secretly, I only thought I needed to lose about five. Then, I went for my yearly physical and it turns out that ten pounds is a little conservative and really I need to lose about 15 pounds in order to not be the amorphous mass I have become over time.

What has happened to my metabolism? Could it be that my clothes are all shrinking in the dryer or at the cleaners? That happens, you know. This most recent weight gain certainly couldn’t have anything to do with my eating habits. Let’s see:

Breakfast –
Most days, nothing or finishing of the girls’ food. Some days I’ll east a cup of yogurt or cottage cheese and a piece of fruit. Not too bad. Then the problem must be…

Lunch –
On the days I stay home, I’ll have a sandwich and chips. Or, if we are out and about, I’ll grab something from McDonalds or maybe we’ll hit the Pizza Hut buffet. Hmmm.

On the days I work, I usually begin emailing coworkers around 9:15 inquiring about the day’s lunch plans. I can suffer through a few rejections and not get discouraged. I am on a mission. When I do find someone who’ll eat with me (I realize this is making me sound like a loser, but a lot of times, my friends bring their own lunches because they are trying to eat healthily), it’s usually a Mexican restaurant (at least once a week) or we will go to a “Meat and Three” where I’ll usually get a big salad. Harmless right? Did I mention the contents of my salad are unrecognizable due to the amount of ranch dressing I have drowned them in? Uh oh. I think I see how this all could be happening. Then there’s…

Dinner –
Wait! I forgot my snack on the days that I’m home! Around 3:00, I usually sit on the couch and inhale a bag (a big one) of whatever chips I have in the house. I always have an impressive assortment, so on any given day it could be Funyuns, Doritos (nacho and cool ranch), chili cheese Fritos, sour cream and onion, or some combination of these. Okay, so…

Dinner –
If Mike is out of town, we hit the McDonald’s, Sonic, or Krystal. Certainly not because I want it. My kids like this kind of stuff. I would much prefer a big plate of vegetables… If Mike is not traveling, sometimes we hit the McDonald’s, Sonic, uh-oh. I’m sensing a pattern. But some nights, I’ll pick up a pizza. For the kids. They love it. I only tolerate it. Or, we’ll go to Waffle House. Again, for the kids.

On the rare occasion I am driven to cook, I’ll fix chicken and veggies (something none of us wants to eat) or spaghetti and salad, tacos, or something else that is quick and easy.

Looking over the list of what we eat, it does look pretty bad, but here is how I rationalize it. My kids are horrible eaters. The doctors have kind of given me license to give them fatty foods (in addition to healthy foods) in order to get some calories in them. So, cheese eggs from Waffle House aren’t as horrible as they sound (translation – please don’t think I am the world’s worst mother). Also, I have Jessica Seinfeld’s book that teaches you how to slide puréed vegetables and fruits into foods kids will eat. I do this with a lot of the things I cook. But, make no mistake. I have to hide healthy things in foods for myself as much as for my children.

I just don’t like a lot of things that are good for me. I love fried foods. I love chips and sweets. I love burgers and pizza. Tacos and meatballs. Bacon and sausage. All of it. And when I eat, I am operating under the assumption that this could be my last meal and I deserve to enjoy it. (If I keep eating this way, it very well could be my last meal on any given day.) What I need to do is to change my mindset about food. Do I have to scarf down every meal because it is so yummy that I can’t get enough? Or, should I start looking at food as fuel and eat things that are healthy for me and reserve the “bad” foods for a few times a week when I will see them as treats? Obviously, I should choose the latter. But really, dogs get treats. Am I a dog? No, I am not. I am a person who is 15 pounds overweight. Damnit!

So, how will I lose this weight? I’ve already established that my eating habits could use some cleaning up. I have begun exercising again. And by that I mean I’ve gotten on the treadmill twice in the past week. But that’s something, right? Gotta start somewhere.

Last week, one of my coworkers returned to work after tending to her sick child who had a stomach bug. Her child lost five pounds in one week because the horrible thing. Everyone around me was saying things like, “Poor thing”, “Sounds awful”, and “Bless her heart”. I was thinking, “Would it be weird if I asked if I could lick the inside of her mouth?” You know, just to kind of jump-start the process.

I guess I’ll have to do what every doctor, nutritionalist, and the like suggests – eat less junk, eat more good stuff, and exercise. That just sounds like a lot of work. I think I’ll just sit on the couch and eat Doritos. Anyone have the stomach flu around here? If so, can I borrow your toothbrush?