Happiness Is Wanting What You Get

It occurred to me last night as I was filling my coffee maker with coffee beans to grind for this morning’s fuel, how WONDERFUL coffee smells. I was also struck by the resulting letdown that is one’s very first sip of coffee. That horribly bitter taste is truly one of life’s little disappointments. How does something that smells so intoxicating turn into something so …well, disappointing?

It is wrong. Just wrong. And there are several other things both trivial and significant that you learn over time are not what you expected them to be. First-time sex comes to mind (not that I would know about that – just in case my dad is reading…). Your first sip of wine – blechhh! (Your 1052nd sip? MMMMMMMMM!) Discovering in your mid-twenties while trying to squeeze into a pair of previously loose-fitting jeans that your once robust metabolism is falling victim to the ravages of time. Getting your first “real world” job and seeing how the leaders actually conduct themselves. The inevitable pattern in your life of friendship erosion; losing commonalities with friends you always thought you’d be tight with. Yes, sadly, life is full of little disappointments along the way.

I can recall feeling at many stages of my life that things could be good IF/WHEN… fill in the blank. I will be happy WHEN I go to college; I will be satisfied IF I find a good boyfriend; I will be so much happier WHEN I no longer have this boyfriend; and on and on. So, at what stage do you say, “Things are just as I want them”? My grandmother had a sign hanging in her kitchen that read. “Happiness is wanting what you get”. As a kid, I argued with her: “No, happiness is getting what you want”. At that time, the concept was a bit too much for me to grasp.

Over time, thankfully, I have realized that happiness truly is wanting what you get. In most cases, you’re going to get whatever you’re going to get (It is what it is - ugh…). But what we would be better off focusing on is whether we are happy with whatever it is we get. If we are, that’s great. We are ahead of the curve. If we are not, then it is up to us to change our reality.

So, how do you avoid always feeling like things aren’t as good as you’d wished they would be? Well, one way is to change the things that we are not happy we have gotten. I recommend this one although it may be a long process. Another option that may require less energy (which is often the road I take) is to focus on life’s little pleasures. And there are many.

Finding money in your jeans pocket you didn’t know was there. Seeing yours or your spouse’s traits come out in your children. Taking an afternoon nap. Having someone confide in you thereby giving you an opportunity to help them in some way. Becoming friends with your parents and grandparents as you age. Having a really good hair day (maybe one day I’ll know the feeling of this one). This list can go on and on – hopefully longer than the list of disappointments.

Now, I am a natural pessimist. What’s with this uplifting post? Well, in the past few weeks, I’ve really become more aware of the passage of time and how quickly my girls are growing and changing. I spend a lot of time wishing they were a little older so I don’t have to do as much “work”. It’s like I don’t want to make time for them sometimes. But I have recently had some really good conversations with Kate. She makes me laugh so hard with the ridiculous things she says. And Meg is exceedingly happy and is always so excited to see me. She gives me these big bear hugs we call a “tight squeeze”. One day – probably sooner rather than later (but certainly sooner than I will want it to be) they won’t have time for me. And I will be forced to wonder why I didn’t take advantage of the pleasure of enjoying them now and in these moments.

So I am making a conscious effort to take pleasure in what I have right now. As it turns out, I have wanted a vast majority of the things that I’ve gotten. For that I am humbled and thankful. So, the next time I am faced with some kind of a disappointment or reality I wish wasn’t mine, I will try and choose my response and be grateful for what I have in this moment. That’s really all we have anyway.