Back To The Future

I am in the middle of a book I can’t put down. I’m embarrassed to say what it is because I’d really like for you to believe that I only read the classics, or dense, complex books of historical or political relevance. But, no, I’m reading a book that takes place in the mid-90’s where a girl gets her first computer and ends up watching her future play out before her eyes on Facebook (which, as we all know, was not invented yet). Not exactly high-brow literature. But, it’s one of those books where you are sucked in and can't wait to get to the next chapter.  It's one where you want to see how what the characters are doing today changes the future they see on Facebook. It makes you wonder how things we do today and choices we make are shaping what tomorrow looks like for each of us.

For example, if I hadn’t pledged a sorority in college (which is not like me at all, by the way), I probably would not have gotten involved in campus activities. I did get involved on campus and became interested in working at a college/university to help other students come out of their shell and become leaders. I decided to pursue a Master’s degree in Higher Education Administration. One program was at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. I chose that one because it was good program but also because I had family there. Once I graduated, I accepted a job in Murfreesboro because it was still fairly close to Knoxville and I wanted to return there one day. While in Murfreesboro, I met and worked with Stuart, who would become one of my dearest friends. Stuart’s friend, Lena, moved to Nashville and she and I got to be friends through Stuart. Stuart and Lena knew a guy named Mike that reminded them of me. They introduced us and this year Mike and I will celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary. See that? I have my life today all because I was a Delta Delta Delta (can I help ya, help ya, help ya).

Of course you could go back further and say that I wound up pledging that particular sorority because of the choice I made to go to Auburn and that I made the choice to go to Auburn because my friends were going there, and on and on and on. But the point is, we make choices each day that take us down a path. If just one of those things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have my husband, my kids or my life. I would most likely just be a crazy “dog” lady somewhere.

The book, called The Future of Us, also makes me wonder what I would think about my life if I saw all of what I am and have today on Facebook 15 years ago. Fifteen years ago, the year was 1997. I was single, living in Knoxville, and in graduate school working toward a master’s degree in Higher Education Administration. I was missing my beloved dog, Lily, who had just died unexpectedly at the age of six so I was sad about that.  I was spending time with my grandmother, "Gannie", and my Aunt Connie, both of whom lived in Knoxville and included me in their Sunday night dinners. Other than that, I was kind of bored. Didn’t have tons of friends in grad school. I mean, I had friends; it was just that it was a small program. And the people in it were not unlike me, which is to say that they were not terribly social. So, I spent a lot of time by myself. I was okay with that.

Truth be told, I think I was also a little depressed. I was bummed abouty my dog.  I was lonely and I was watching friends start to get married. I didn’t want to get married at the time – mainly because I didn’t have anyone in my life who made me want to be married, but everyone else seemed to kind of be headed toward something. I wasn’t sure where I was going. Even my grad program wasn’t what I considered my calling to be. (Fifteen years later, I still don’t know what that is.) My sister was also expanding her family at that time. She was married and about to have her first child. I felt she didn’t really need me as much anymore. I guess I was just kind of bored.  I was still happy. Just a little bored. It was great fun getting to spend time with my grandmother and aunt. It’s such a gift to be able to be friends in adulthood with family members. Gannie has since passed away, but Connie continues to be someone who I appreciate having a friendship with.

So where was I?  No job. No significant other. Certainly no kids. If I had known then that I would be a wife and mother and working (part-time, but still) I would have asked you who I would one day switch bodies with. It just didn’t seem in the cards for me at all. Up until roughly six years and nine months ago, I never wanted to have children. I would have freaked out then if I knew I was going to have two daughters.

Really, the most impressive thing is that I actually GAVE BIRTH. I mean, putting aside everything that goes into parenting for just a minute, the biggest accomplishment for someone like me is intentionally getting pregnant even knowing that at some point; those babies have to get out of there. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I have birthed two babies. I can’t believe I carried them in my body and didn’t have to be institutionalized when the time came to have them come out. 

When Kate was born, she was 10 weeks early, so I wasn’t at all prepared for childbirth. That actually was a good thing for me in retrospect. She was 2lbs., 10 oz. and 14 inches long. To put it in perspective, it’s like passing a pork chop through your vagina instead of the whole pig. I got off easy. (Poor choice of words. Moving on…) A number of my friends who have had their kids vaginally, say that I really can’t count Kate’s birth as a vaginal birth. I didn’t have to go through what they went through. Fair enough.

I got pregnant with Meg right around Kate’s first birthday. Again, I just wasn’t thinking about the fact that one day she’d come out. I sort of blocked that part of it out. But then, about eight months into it, we learned that she was breach. I was too far along to try and turn her around so either she would have to do it herself, or they were going to have to do a C-section. A C-section? Me? Are you serious?! No way! I am the world’s biggest wuss. There’s no way anyone was going to slice my abdomen open and remove my organs to get this baby out. And yet, I did it. I think if I had seen that on Facebook fifteen years ago, I might not have ever allowed myself to get pregnant! 

I think I always thought I probably would get married. I was in a place where I knew I wasn’t going to have to get married in order to have a full life, but I just kind of felt like someone somewhere would not think I was a total idiot. Enter Mike all those years ago. If my 1997 self had seen who my 2012 self would have a life with, my 1997 self would have been extremely impressed and probably very worried that something would come along a derail my whole future. My husband is everything I would have chosen if I could have created a mate from scratch. He was a lesson to me – that I will pass along my girls – that the right person is out there. You just have to be patient and not accept anything that isn’t right. 

If my 1997 self knew that I’d be in good enough shape to run in 5ks in 2012, I would think that an alien had taken over my body and was posing as me. If I had known I’d somehow be able to work part-time and manage to get the kids’ homework done and dinners fixed (occasionally) I also would have been stunned. So, I suppose what I’m saying is that, as I look back on the past 15 years, I am very happy with how things are turning out in my life. I’m content; but not only content. I’m happy. I’m happy with who I am and what I have in terms of the life I live. 

One thing that hasn’t changed from 1997 is that I am still searching for what I think my calling is in life. I know a big part of it is to be a mother to these two precious girls and to be a wife to my wonderful husband. But I do still feel like there’s something else out there for me to do. What it is I’m just not sure. Maybe fifteen years from now, in 2027, I’ll have that answer. Hopefully I’ll be a more fleshed out version of what I am today. And by that I don’t mean that I hope there will be more flesh. I’m having a hard enough time trying to maintain a good weight in my thirties. I don’t expect my forties to be very kind in that regard. But in life – the things we do everyday, the people we impact – it all makes up the package of who we are and who we are to become. Hopefully I’m laying groundwork today that will keep me growing in a way that if I could see it playing out today, I’d be proud of. 

Wow! All of that from this silly little book I’m reading! That's awfully deep thinking from someone who is so enthralled with this book.  Maybe I should put the book down and go read the latest People Magazine to give my brain a rest.  It'll defintely work as long as one of the friggin' Kardashians is on the cover.