The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. ~Author Unknown

I saw a report a few days ago in which, once divorced from Tiger Woods, Elin Nordegren would receive $750 million. That is not a typo. $750 MILLION.

I get that he was a cad. I get that he publicly humiliated her. I get that he probably exposed her to Chlamydia and scores of other STDs (have you seen some of the girls he cheated with??). I get that he completely ripped their family apart. But $750 million? Was it really worth that much money?

Think of all the perks she had being married to him. He’s a superstar. He was once beloved (and likely will be again the first time he blows everyone away on the course). Sure, it must have been hell for her marriage to end the way it did, but wouldn’t – and I’m just throwing this out there - $28 million have been enough? How about $50 million? No? What about $100 million? Surely that would suffice.

What on earth will she do with $750 million?

Here is the part of the story where I tell you what I would do.

First, I would give tax-free gifts to my family and close friends. I’m not sure what the laws allow you to give, but I’d like to be able to share my good fortune with those around me. My motives, however, are not entirely pure. I mean, yes, I would want to be able to help them financially (those poor, ingrates who do not have the millions of dollars that I do). But also, by giving them some of my wealth, I eliminate the inevitable problems associated with suddenly being rich.

Here’s what I figure: If I’ve got $750 million, and I go to lunch with a group of friends, they will expect me to pay. "She’s got $750 million. Why should we pay?” However, if I go to lunch with these people and offer to pay, it becomes, “Oh, I guess we’re too poor to buy our own lunch. Not everyone has $750 million, you know…” People begin to resent what you have. It becomes a burden and you begin to doubt if people really like you for you (the real person you were before you were buried under all of that money) or if they just want your money. If you are already sharing the wealth with your loved ones, these awkward encounters are not as likely.

Second, I would buy a beach house. Doesn’t have to be too fancy – maybe in the $15-20 million range. You know, modest. Understated. It would be big enough for my extended family to all be there together but not so big that you’d never see the people in the next bedroom. I might also buy the houses next to it, so multiple families/friends could stay. And the beach would most likely be Hilton Head. It’s nice. It’s convenient. I am a creature of habit and already know my way around. It’s already kind of a home away from home, so why not own an enormous house there?

I’d also buy a house on Nantucket. I’ve never been there, but I hear it is very quaint, very private, and very expensive. Expensive is no longer a problem, remember. I have $750 million at my disposal. I should also buy a house in Vail or Aspen or somewhere like that.

We already have a lake house, so there’s no need to buy that. It is very, VERY small but very cozy. I love it. It is the perfect getaway – relaxing, nice views. It is so small that you have no choice but to spend time together as a family. You’re practically on top of each other. It’s perfect the way it is today. A great place for our family to have many summers making terrific memories. Anyway, once I had my millions, I’d bulldoze it to the ground and start all over. Nothing too fancy, it should be rustic since it’s on the lake. So, it would be shabby chic. More in the $3 million range. (I’m not flashy, for heaven’s sake!)

I’d travel a lot, I guess, but mainly just going from beach locale to beach locale. Mike would want to go to Europe and Asia and boring places like that so I’d do that too, but I would also go to every exotic beach on the map. I may even buy an island while I’m there. Who knows.

I don’t like to fly, so traveling will have to be dealt with carefully. Actually, that’s not true. I HATE to fly. It scares me to death. I feel like being in the air is extremely unnatural and that the whole time we’re up there, the pilot is fighting off the plane’s urge to crash. So, I would have to buy a plane (obviously) and put a very experienced pilot – and co-pilot (in case the pilot dies mid-flight – which could happen!) on my payroll. It would be a commercial jet, renovated to look like a private, chartered jet. I would choose commercial because they don’t crash as often as those private planes. There are reports all the time of entire families or entire management teams going down in a private plane. Commercial would be the way to go, but I’d still want the luxury of a private plane. Actually, I would have a plane like Air Force 1. They make those planes practically indestructible. And it goes without saying that there must be alcohol on board so I can be out of my mind for the duration of the flight. Alcohol would be an absolut must. “Absolut” – get it? My money has started to make me clever…

I would most certainly employ a full-time chef who could cook scrumptious yet healthy meals for me and my family. I would have a masseuse come to the house weekly (daily seems too gauche). I would also have a personal trainer who works with me at least 4 days a week. There would no longer be any excuse for not being in good shape. I would have a hair and make-up person like celebrities do. Have you ever noticed the “Stars Without Make-Up” editions of supermarket tabloids? Those people are HIDEOUS! They have people who know how to work hair and make-up to each person’s advantage. That’s what I need. I don’t think I want plastic surgery – I just want to make the most of what I have. A team of personal stylists should do the trick.

Also, being a multi, multi-millionaire, I would assume I’d have access to top-name talent. I’d fly in Emmylou Harris, Paul Simon, Jimmy Buffett and other favorites to entertain me at dinnertime, special occasions, etc. I’d also have an elaborate movie theatre in my home and buy the rights (or whatever it is you have to do) to see all of the new releases from the comfort of my big, comfy, expensive couch. I’d need servers, of course, to be there when my bucket of popcorn runs low. If I could avoid going to the theatre and being annoyed by all of the talking, cell phones and other interruptions, my movie-going experience would be much more pleasant. Better yet, with that kind of money, I could just pay the actors to come to my house and act the whole thing out.

I do think I would get very tired of having access to everything I ever wanted under the sun. Those things would all be great, and I would finally be smokin’ hot – which I have always felt I was meant to be – but I’d have to do something. Not a job, of course. What are you going to do, pay me $50k a year? That’s pocket change to me now. I’d have to do something worthwhile. Something charitable.

I know I’d give millions to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, the American Cancer Society and the Humane Society. I think I’d get the most enjoyment, though, out of doing things like Oprah does – random acts of kindness for lack of a better, less nauseating, term. I’d like to find people in the community who need help and be able to help them. Be it put them in a new home, pay off medical expenses, send an ill person on the vacation of a lifetime, or pay funeral expenses for families who can’t afford them. Those kinds of things. And I would do it anonymously (although who else in the world, other than Elin, has $750 million and the means to do this?). It would be simple acts of kindness and people don’t show enough of that these days.

I would probably have to start a foundation or two. “The Maggie McCallie Charitable Something-or-other” has a nice ring to it. I’m not sure what all of my causes would be just yet, but I do know of one – I don’t think any person should have to pay to put a beloved pet to sleep. I’d establish some kind of foundation so that euthanizations would be paid for.

So that’s all of the things I would do with such an enormous amount of money. Let me tell you what I would not do:

I would not have a list of demands like a lot of celebrities do like –

I have to have my ice water chilled to a crisp 48 degrees and served to me in a champagne glass.

Or,
No one can look me directly in the eye until after 10:30 a.m.

Or,
I have to have total silence as I walk through an airport.

Or,
Each steak I eat must be cut into 11 equally sized bites.

Egomaniacal celebrities demand unreasonable things like that as though the rest of the world exists only to cater to them. It’s ridiculous and I would not expect or accept special treatment. If I go out to eat, I’ll wait in line like everyone else. Wait a minute – I have $750 million – I’m only going to eat at places where reservations are required! But, hypothetically, if I went to one of these restaurants, I would wait in line like everyone else because the money makes me no better a person than the next guy.

I would also not behave like these vapid socialites we see on TV and in the tabloids. In other words, I wouldn’t turn into a Real Housewife of Chattanooga. I would keep my public drinking under control and always remember to wear underwear – especially when exiting a vehicle with teams of photographers around. I wouldn’t be any dumber than I am now and I wouldn’t try to act dumber than I already do. The people I am referring to seem to celebrate insipid behavior. I would at least try to appear to be deserving of the wonderful fortune that I was lucky enough to have.

The funny thing is, I could do all of the things above – the homes, the servants, the planes, the foundations - and still never go through $750 million. And truly, what is $750 million REALLY if you don’t have anyone to share it with? Seriously. Yes, that much money could buy some measure of happiness. But if I don’t have my family and friends and good times and even the tough-times-that-suck-at-the-time-but-actually-do-make-us-better-and-stronger, then the money is meaningless. I’m not saying Elin needs Tiger to be happy, but she does need love.

I’m happy I have it even if I don’t have the $750 million.

Now, I do believe I have a lot of love in my life. And a faithful and good husband. BUT, if he cheats with even one woman, I’m taking his money and buying a big, fat beach house.