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Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Inevitable

Well, today it happened.  Just five days shy of my 40th birthday.  

I don’t think it was my hair: I just had it cut yesterday.  It’s looking pretty good (for my hair, anyway).  My outfit was fine.  Cute, actually.  I was wearing black pants with decent black strappy sandals and a chartreuse fitted-yet-flowy top that others have complimented before.  Could it have been my toenails?  I’ve only had one pedicure this summer.  I’ve got a gnarly blister on the side of my big toe from running that I don’t want someone trying to scrape off.  So, I’ve been the one to cut, file and paint my toenails in recent weeks.  Sure, they don’t look great; but not horrible.  I don’t think it was my toes.  Nah, that’s not it.
 
Did I remember deodorant?  What am I saying – of course I did!  I am fanatical about deodorant.  I apply it several times a day since I have a (hopefully completely unjustified) fear of body odor.  Plus, it was at 7:30 this morning so even if I had forgotten it, surely things wouldn’t have been that bad already.  No, I don’t think it was that.
 
And it couldn’t have been that I had something visible in my nose.  I’m a fanatic about that, too.  I check it periodically throughout the day and it’s always clear.  But now that I’m thinking about it, I have been known to have an errant nose hair or two try to grow a little longer they should.  Perhaps it was that?  I can’t be sure until I check it.
 
Okay, I’m back from a thorough examination in the mirror.  It wasn’t dangly nose hairs.  Was it my hair?  I mean, let’s face it – I have to kind of get used to the length before I can really style it correctly.  Maybe it didn’t look as fresh and sleek as I thought it did.  My hair is usually the problem in a myriad of situations.  That could very well be what it was.
 
My zipper wasn’t down.  I keep my bra straps hidden.  Maybe it’s the way I walk.  I really do have horrible posture.  Sometimes when I walk past a mirror (which I purposely try to avoid at all costs) I’ll catch a glance of what appears to be Prehistoric Man before he was fully upright. Was I slumped over too much?  Perhaps.  But I can’t imagine it would have been markedly worse than any other given day.  
 
And it couldn’t have been my whisker problem.  I had a good ol’ plucking session late last week.  I even got the scissors out and trimmed my beard.  Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe it’s because I have a beard.  But, I’ve had a lot of facial hair all of my life.  Maybe this is the wake up call I needed to finally get it lasered off.  And speaking of lasering, my armpits could use a little how’s-your-father as well.  I get the 5:00 shadow by noon most days.  But again, it was 7:30 in the morning.  And I’m pretty sure that even though any pit hair very well could have been visible due to the fact that I was wearing a sleeveless shirt, I wasn’t flailing my arms about.  I don’t flail that early.  Couldn’t have been that. 
 
It had to be my hair.  My damn hair.  Oh, how I loathe my hair!  But you know, it could have been my sandals.  I was reminded this morning why I never wear this particular pair.  They don’t have any kid of strap in the back and they are very loud when they slap-smack-flap-flop when I walk.  Maybe I was just drawing too much attention to myself with every thunderously flapping step I took.  I’m one of those people for whom it’s just better to deflect attention than attract it.  I don’t need people noticing that I really can’t dress myself or style my own hair.  Or that I’m horribly awkward and uncomfortable.  And my loud, thwacking shoes just served to point that out, I suppose.
 
I don’t know what it was.  Maybe it was all of those things.  Maybe it was none of them.  Maybe it was just an “off” morning.  Maybe the mood just wasn’t right.  
 
Or MAYBE, it’s just the natural order of things.  I mean, it was bound to happen one day.  Maybe this was simply the right time and I shouldn't try to explain or rationalize it.  These things happen.  It's life.  It's how things go. 

Maybe that’s why my clearly embarrassed seven year-old daughter refused - for the first time but likely not the last - to kiss me goodbye in front of her friends and ran off without looking back in my direction at school today.

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