Stupid Songs

Well, it's been a while since my last blog entry and it's pretty much because I've been lazy, sick, and on vacation (and at one point I was all of those things at one time!).  Anyhoo, I've also had nothing even mildly interesting to say, which sadly, is still the case.  But, I was listening to the radio today and one of the dumbest songs ever came on: Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes. 

I get so annoyed every time this song comes on.  It was released in 1979 and for some reason, 30+ years later, can still be counted on to be played on just about any radio station multiple times a day.  The premise of the song is that this man decides to cheat on his "lady" because they've "been together too long" and answers a personal ad from a woman who, you guessed it, likes Pina Coladas.  And getting caught in the rain, etc.  He makes a plan to meet this mystery woman and wouldn't you know it, it turns out to be his "own lovely lady" who had written that ad to begin with!  Har har.  What a talented lyricist and a clever story for a song!

It got me thinking about all of the other songs out there that I think are stupid that I am constantly accosted with.  I'm not merely talking about bad songs.  There are plenty of those out there.  And I like many of them even though I know they are bad songs. No, the songs I am referring to are noteworthy because they are bad AND completely idiotic  Listed below are some of my picks for some of the stupidest songs ever written.  One day when it's been a while since I've posted something and I'm needing to write something I'll probably add to this list, but this will have to do for now.

Fergalicious by Fergie - First of all, I think it is pretty presumptuous to write a song about how guys everywhere want to watch what you've got.  I mean, where's the humility?  And while I can appreciate that her body is vicious because she is working on her fitness, I do think it's pretty brazen to talk about how delicious she is. Plus, any song that has the lyric - T to tha A to tha S-T-E-Y, girl you tasty just can't be a good song!  It just can't. 

Am I a nerd because it bothers me so much that she is misspelling the word tasty?  I digress.  Moving on...

Barbie Girl by Aqua - This song makes me feel like my ears are bleeding.  Hearing the high pitched voices screeching out such awesome lyrics as Life in plastic, it's fantastic makes me want to throttle each and every member of the hit-making-machine that was Aqua.  No, it makes me want to jab pencils into my ears repeatedly until I can no longer hear.  No, no, no... it makes me want to grab a door knob and ram the door into my head and knock myself out destroying the part of my brain that would remember ever having heard that song.  It is just awful.

Bruce by Rick Springfield - This is one I do not expect any of you other than my sister to know.  It was very obscure even though Rick Springfield was popular in the early 80's.  Let's face it; his song titles were not the stuff of legends - State of the Heart is an example.   His lyrics weren't exactly complex, erudite musings. Take this passage from Jessie's Girl - You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot. They were all pretty bad.  But this little gem has got to be one of the worst ideas ever conceived and then put to music.  The song actually alleges that Rick Springfield (you are familiar with his lack of talent, right?) often gets confused for BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (rock god) because their names are so similar.  At one point in the song, there's even a part where his mother mistakenly calls him Bruce.  Ho ho. 

Unskinny Bop by Poison - So, the unskinny bop is a euphemism for sex.  How clever.  Is "unskinny" even a word?  And how sexy does that sound anyway?  These guys were supposed to be hard drinkin', hard livin' crazy rock god sex machines.  Were they really calling it this?  Did they ever get laid?!

Tiptoe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim - which isn't really that dumb a song (well, okay, it probably is...) if he would just not sing it like his testicles are caught in a bear trap.  On second thought, have you seen Tiny Tim?  Not sure he had testicles (God rest his soul).  Maybe that was the problem.

MmmmBop by Hanson - Please see the title.

Jenny From The Block by Jennifer Lopez (I just can't bring myself to refer to her as J-Lo) - Welcome to the toilet bowl of popular music.  How much more self-serving could this song be?  Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got?  She's still, she's still Jenny From the Block??  Did Jenny From the Block only wear her designer baby clothes one time before discarding them?  Because her kids do.  Did Jenny From The Block's haircuts cost over $15,000?  Because Jennifer Lopez's do.  Don't worry, Jenn.  We won't be fooled by the rocks that you've got.  Not for a second.

Well, now I'm just really irritated.  I should have just ignored the damn Pina Colada song and just gone on with my day.  Now it's 11:00 and I've got to go to work tomorrow.  God willing my dreams will be free of visions of the fantastic video experience that was Ben Affleck rolling around on top of Jennifer Lopez in Jenny from the Block.