Reach Out And Touch Someone

I mentioned in my last post that there was a reason I had chosen a ridiculous phone number when I bought my first legitimate (non-bag) cell phone. The number I chose at that time was XXX-FART or XXX-BUTT or something equally mature. One of my all-time favorite stories is the reason for my choosing this phone number. Most of my all-time favorite stories are stories about hilarious things that have happened to other people. But this is one that happened to me that I think is so great on so many levels. It's embarrassing. It's relatable (I hope - or else I'm just a big ol' loser). It's funny. It's one that needs to be shared. So now, here is that story.

Growing up, my best friends were two girls - sisters - who lived at the end of my street. (I will not use their names in order to protect their identities and reputations.) We did all kinds of foolish things together. We would re-create and act out episodes of Three's Company - three girls; we had to rotate who would be Jack Tripper. We would pretend we were waitresses (way to set lofty goals for yourselves, gals) who would receive $1000 tips from handsome men (Good God). We were huge Dukes of Hazzard fans so naturally we would pretend that we were John Schneider's nephews. (You read that correctly - we were idiots). We had a singing group (Heaven help anyone who had to be exposed to this) named the "Cool Fools" (well, we got the "fools" part right anyway...). And... we made prank phone calls.

A lot.

We would do the hilarious Call-The-Butterworth's-House-And-Ask-If-Their-Syrup-Was-Truly-The-Richest-And-Butteriest routine. We would do the always clever May-I-Speak-To-John?-You-Don't-Have-A-John?-Well-Where-Do-You-Go-To-The-Bathroom? gag. We would do the old When-Someone-Answers-The-Phone-At-Their-Residence-Start-Trying-To-Order-A-Pizza bit. Hilarity!

But the most fun we had was calling people's homes whose phone numbers spelled something dirty. Anyone whose last four digits spelled FART (3278) or BUTT (2888) or ANUS (2687) or SH*T (7448) or DAMN (3266) or ...well... go see what 3825 spells... got multiple calls from us. The unsuspecting resident would answer the phone and one of us would say:

Do you realize your number is 822-BUTT?

We would wait for them to say something in return - although it was clearly never as clever as what we were saying.

Then we would hang up.

And die laughing.

I must point out that this was before the Wii and XBox and things like that. It was before cell phones (certainly before caller ID) and iPods. It was pretty much before any type of the mind-numbing entertainment that we have today existed. As a result, we had to come up with our own ways to keep ourselves entertained. And, unfortunately for the people with those phone numbers, a lot of times this meant bothering others. But no matter. That's what kids did before caller ID made it virtually impossible to do it anonymously.

We did this so often that for years, when I would dial a number, I would try to see what it spelled as a means for me to remember it. If someone had a zero or a one in their number it was a total bummer because those numbers just mess the whole thing up. Unless you have a one at the beginning or end of it. Then, a person's number could be 822-1ASS or 822-FAT1. But I digress...

I can't say for sure how long my friends and I made these prank calls. But I'm going to guess it was for years and years and years. It simply did not get old. The person on the other end of the phone always had a different reaction so it was a new game each time we played.

Some people would laugh.

Some people would say they already knew it.

Some would hang up immediately.

Some would threaten to put a trace on the phone so we could be identified. (yeah, right - as if that kind of technology existed in the 80s.)

Some would tell us what naughty little children we were.

Some even told us they'd hunt us down and kill us down if we ever bothered them again.

At some point - though probably not until much later than everyone else our age - we matured and started finding other forms of entertainment. Once we could drive, we were no longer forced to sit at some one's house and try to annoy people. We could go somewhere else to do that!

So, we grew up and life went on.

Years later, I was in college at Auburn. My prank calling buddy had actually introduced me to my roommate. She was someone from our hometown who went to another school. I knew her only through my friend and had only met her a couple of times before we moved in together.

She and I became fast friends. She is still one of my best friends today. She was and probably still is the kind of person who seemed at first very sweet and nice, but once you got to know her had a pretty bawdy sense of humor. We got along famously. Then came the Christmas holidays when everyone would be going home for a couple of weeks. She and I exchanged numbers so we could try and get together over the break.

A couple of days into the break, I called my friend and roommate. As I dialed, I looked closely at the digits and to my delight, they were very familiar.

You guessed it - her home number was 823-FART!

It was like the mother ship had landed for me. What a coincidence that all the time I spent doing this in the past, my future best friend was out there all along being the proud owner of this phone number!! And what was so funny about it all was that for as much as I loved potty humor, she was completely annoyed by it. She would likely see no joy in this scenario and just roll her eyes at me when I told her the great news.

Her mother answered after a couple of rings and she and I exchanged pleasantries. She then called Wendy to come to the phone. When Wendy picked up, the first thing I said was,

Do you realize your number is 823-FART?

She let out kind of an exasperated giggle which I expected. Then she said something that I didn't. She said,

"Actually yes. Someone called and told my dad that several years ago."

Now the stars were aligning for me. It was the perfect storm of my past self uniting with my future/current self. This little habit of prank calling people had finally come full circle for me. It was something out of a coming of age movie (although one that would never be made due to the subject matter) where in an instant my entire life to that point (18 years) flashed before my eyes.

WENDY!!!, I said.

THAT WAS ME!!!!

Of course, she was nowhere near as impressed as I was over the whole thing. She was probably rethinking the whole roommate thing at that point. I'm sure she gave me some kind of a courtesy laugh and then we pretty much just moved on.

Over the years I have delighted in telling that story. I mean truly - what a coincidence. It's held the same weight for me that one of Oprah's A-ha! moments would have for a normal person. It just never gets old. Now if only I could befriend someone who lives at 822-3825 - I could die happy and fulfilled.