My Goal During Lent

I am writing this on Ash Wednesday. The day after Fat Tuesday. The worst day of the year for me. For, this is the first day I must give something up for Lent. It's not really that I must - I'm not a particularly religious person. I just like to observe Lent because I think it's good to challenge yourself every once in a while - to get out of your bad habits and start some new, good habits. I used to lose weight every year during this time because of all of the junk food I would give up. One year I actually successfully gave up fast food, sodas,
chips and sweets. I lost about 8-10 pounds that year. I found that being healthier in one area kind of spills over into other areas. Since I was getting results eating well, I decided to start exercising as well. If memory serves, all of that came to a screeching halt on Easter Sunday.

The first year I can remember giving something up as an adult, it was fast food which included ordering pizza for delivery (restaurant pizza was okay). I did that for several years with pretty good success. But then I
wised up. One year, I gave up fast food but kept pizza in the rotation. One year, I gave up fast food but not Subway and other sandwich places. My reasoning was I'd give up fast food in favor of healthier fare - like a
meatball sub from Subway. Finally I decided to give up fast food unless I just had to eat it (like on a road trip) in which case I couldn't get a hamburger, but had to get a chicken sandwich. At first I ate the grilled
chicken sandwiches, but don't you know the fried sandwiches just tasted sooo much better.

Then, just to shake things up a bit, I decided to give up potato chips (really, all kinds of chips - Doritos, Cheetos, Funyuns, etc.). The one chip I didn't give up was the tortilla chip that you are served in a
Mexican restaurant. The reason being, I don't normally snack on those or make a meal out of those. The challenge was to not gorge myself on chips every day at lunch and dinner. So, tortilla chips were not the
enemy. Of course, people debated whether or not they should have been included in my definition of a "chip", but I prevailed.

Giving up chips was no good at all. I lost a lot of weight that year and began other healthy eating habits. Clearly I needed to amend my Lent commitment a bit. So, the next year I gave up chips that did not include
tortilla chips (I actually ate tortilla chips and onion dip at a baby shower that year. I'm pretty sure that violated my resolution but I digress...), and added that I could still eat chips that were good for you.
Sunchips for example. As if. There is no chip that is good for you. Sunchips are merely less lethal.

Last year I didn't have the energy to give anything up. Lent snuck up on me and then by the time it started, I had already eaten everything I would have given up. So I just decided to give up Lent for Lent.

This year, I wanted to go back to giving something up. The trouble is, I didn't really want to give up anything. I thought about giving up chips, but I had just a few days ago bought a bag of kettle cooked ranch flavored
chips. I just had to eat those. No way I could have waited until Easter.

I considered giving up fast food again, but fast food is simply too easy to feed to my children. And if I'm already there, I should probably go on and get a big, juicy burger for myself. I thought about giving up red meat but that's simply preposterous. I live for red meat! Should I give up red wine? Well, no. I have people coming in town over the next few weeks and I want to be able to drink it up with them. So, no can do.

I could give up cursing, but there's no way in hell (oops) I could do that. Plus, if I gave up cursing, I'd just use a new word in place of a bad one and then be one of those nerds who says things like, "Sugarfoot!".
I'm not willing to do that. I considered giving up complaining, but who am I kidding? What would I do if I wasn't complaining? My whole personality would change! That's all I write about in this blog. It's all I do with my coworkers. It's mostly what I do with my friends. The Maggie McCallie people expect is the one who is sarcastic and complaining all the time. And, damn it (oops), I have to give the people what they want.

So, if I'm not going to give anything up, I guess I have to add something healthy or good for me or others to my routine. Community service? Sure, it's a great thing to do, but I am too lazy. I can't balance the few
commitments I already have. I can't add another one where people would be relying on me to contribute something of value. No fried foods? I can't do it. I just can't. I should, but I can't. What's the best way to eat
chicken? Fried. When does a potato taste best? When it's a french fry. How should we all eat pickles? Fried and smothered in ranch dressing, of course. If my stomach wasn't coated in oil, it wouldn't understand what
was happening. I couldn't do that to my trusty stomach.

I could cut out the occasional nap I take. On my days off, if I've had a rough night or one of the girls has been up in the night, I'll shut my eyes for about an hour or three and it is just what I need to keep me
going. I think I'm a better wife and mother on the days I get more than 12 hours of sleep. So, giving up my naps would punish others; not me.

So, I guess I'll just have to add regular exercise to my routine. Ugh - anything but that! Actually, I've been thinking since last weekend when Mike ran a half-marathon that I should really get back to running. I think I ought to be in good enough shape that I could run a 5K at any given time. That means, I have to run consistently on the treadmill. I can't run regularly outside because it hurts my knees and legs so much. But I can get pretty good at running about four to five miles on the treadmill. That will equate to a little over three miles on the pavement when the time comes for a 5K. So, my goal during Lent will be to run/walk four days a week for at least 45 minutes.

There. It's been decided. I will add exercise. Hopefully once again this will spill over into other areas of my life and I can be a healthier person for a few weeks. Any little bit helps, I suppose. So, now that I'll be running, I should probably open that bag of Doritos in my pantry. Since I'll be running, I'll sweat those calories out. I should probably check out the new fried pickles at Zaxby's too. It would have been bad before, since I wasn't running regularly. But now that I will be, I can eat with reckless abandon. What a great Lent this will be!

Please Bare With Me

At what point does an actor decide her or she will be naked on film? And I'm not talking about porn "actors", either. That's a head-scratcher (no pun intended) on so many levels I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm talking about regular actors like Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow, Julianne Moore, Kate Winslet... These people don't have to do it for the money. Their movies do well without them having to get naked. The whole thing just seems so WEIRD.

Think about it. These people go to work like you or I. Think about your coworkers. Sure, their coworkers are other beautiful, famous people whereas yours and mine are dumpy and acne-ridden or at best, average like you and me. Can you imagine walking into the break room Monday morning and meeting a new person you'll be working with:

"Nice to meet you, Tom. I understand we'll be dry-humping each other on Thursday. I'll look forward to working with you."

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO!!

Maybe they don't refer to it is dry-humping (does anyone anymore?) but they simulate sex with people they work with and IT'S THEIR JOB TO DO SO. Is it me or is that completely bizarre??! Sure, people all over the place have office affairs (which I also cannot comprehend) but that's something they choose to do as an escape from whatever boredom their life has become. It's not a pre-planned, well-rehearsed job duty. (At least it shouldn't be. That's illegal.)

But getting back to porn "actors" again. What makes them decide that that's what they are going to do to earn a living? Do these people have parents?!! Grandparents???!! When they do get the job (no pun intended), what do they tell said parents and grandparents? How does that conversation go?

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad! I've got some news!"

"What is it, dear?"

"Well, I'm going to be in a movie!"

"A movie? That's terrific! What's it about?"

"Well, um, I play this girl - she's a virginal freshman away from home for the first time and she orders a pizza with extra meat for her sorority sisters. Then, well, there's um, this kind of bizarre hazing ritual and...um, you know what, never mind. Just... forget I brought it up (no pun intended)... it's uh, it's not really a big (no pun intended) deal and, uh, the acting isn't really very good... and... say hi to mom for me. Gotta go."

It's just hard (no pun intended) for me to wrap my brain about that one. But to already be a famous, successful actor and now you're going to allow all the world to view your bare hiney???!!! I don't know about you, but I spend most of my waking hours trying to mask all of my many imperfections. I think if anyone other than my husband ever saw me naked I would just have to kill myself. Can you imagine writhing around on another person completely - or even partially - naked, cameras rolling, and knowing that at any time anyone can view this? YIKES!

I'm sure you are wondering what prompted this post. I was watching a movie recently with Gwyneth (to clarify - I wasn't watching the movie with her; she was actually in the movie...). It was called "Two Lovers". In it, there is a scene where she stands in front of the window and flops a boob out for Joaquin Phoenix and the rest of the world to see. I realize that any men who were reading this are now scrambling to get to their Netflix queue but for those of you still reading, why does she do this? She has enough clout and enough acclaim to not have to do that anymore. Nudity should be reserved for those people trying to make it (no pun intended) in the movies and think that there is no better way to do so.

Anyway, it just struck me as odd that part of an actor's job (no pun intended) could potentially be to be nude in front of their coworkers. Sure, I'm grateful that it has been part of Daniel Craig's job (N.P.I.) and hope it will be again. I'm just sayin', I think it's weird. Hard to grasp (N.P.I). Perhaps I shouldn't concern myself with the comings (N.P.I.) and goings of these people. I guess when I start pondering something, it's kind of hard for me to just sit on it.

No pun intended.

I Hope You Have Wine...

... because this post will be full of cheese.

Yes, the family and I went to Walt Disney World for the first time last week and I have to admit - it was magical! This was my first trip (how un-American are my parents?!!) and the first trip for the girls. Mike had been a couple of times when he was younger and was not exactly overly excited about going. I just thought it would be a glorified county fair or something - cheesy and tacky at every turn. I was stunned to realize how great it was and how much fun we had as a family. Watching my girls respond to everything around them was truly a beautiful thing.

See? I told you this post would be cheesy. The thing about it is that Disney sucks you in. Yes, it's commercial. Yes, it's ridiculously overpriced. Yes, there are people roaming around that would make Wal-Mart patrons look smokin' hot. But this place does tourism like no other. They have managed to turn it into an art form. And even a sarcastic cynic like myself was able to be completely taken in by the magic. And the crazy thing is, I am DYING to go back and experience it all again.

I watched Kate, who turned four while we were there (more on that in a minute) react to seeing the princesses, Mickey and his friends, the evil stepmothers, etc., with the kind of wonder and awe that only comes from a child. It really was innocence in its purest form - captured right there on her face. To her, it really was Snow White. It really was Cinderella's castle. That really was Goofy even though he was enormous and never did anything other wave and give her high fives (he never uttered his catchy "Goarsh!").

On her birthday, she wore a button that said Happy Birthday and a park employee wrote her name on it. All day, everywhere we went in the park people said, "Happy Birthday, Princess". Being the bashful girl she is, she would bury her face into her father or me, but she secretly enjoyed it. She was treated like a little princess all day.

And for the record, I hate princesses. I was never a girly-girl (shocking, I know) and I swore that my kids would NEVER be into the princess crap. Fast forward four years and that's all they can talk about. Kate even told me the other day that her Daddy was her Prince Charming. Four years ago, I would have vomited in my purse if that sentence was uttered. Now, her saying it reduces me to tears.

Meg also enjoyed it but on a different level. Being that she's two, everything is still kind of a new and exciting adventure for her so this was just like stimulus -overload. She started out the week being so excited to see the characters, but if any of them came anywhere near her, she'd flail her arms to cry and scream for them to go away. By our last day there, she was running around dressed as Tinkerbell high-fiving everybody and kissing Mickey's face which was bound to have every communicable disease known to man right there in one convenient location.

She enjoyed the rides and the ice cream and all of the merchandise that we swore we'd never buy yet of which somehow we came back with five bags. We stayed in the park all day each day which meant that we had to forgo her nap. She passed out in the car on the way back to the condo every night except for the one night when she passed out inside the park and Mike had to carry her listless body about a mile to the car with her legs dangling at his sides.

We've been home for a week now and neither girl can stop talking about their trip. I cannot stop either. I'm sure I've told 50 people how great it was and they're probably all thinking what I was when people used to tell me about Disney - I'd rather lick the floor of a public men's room than ever go to that place.

So, enough blathering on about this whole experience. This blog is supposed to be about useless rambling, not anything of substance - and to my loyal readers, I do apologize for being cheesy and sentimental. My advice on Disney would be this:

If you have kids, take them. Especially young kids. That innocence won't be there forever and it is something you really have to see. Go in January. There were barely any lines and the weather was just perfect. On second thought, don't go in January. You'll just crowd up the rides and then I will have to wait. Don't try to do it all the first time you go. Feel your way around the park and let your kids decide how the week should play out. Get past the touristy stuff and buy into the magic of the experience. I'm so glad I did. It was truly one of the best trips I've ever taken and one which our family will talk about for years to come.

Okay. I'm done with the cheese and effusive prattling. You may now commence vomiting in your purse.