The other day I was flipping channels as I often do when I should be cleaning my house or interacting with my children. I came across Inside The Actors Studio – a program which I love hosted by James Lipton whom I also love. Mr. Lipton has always seemed to be a neat guy, but it wasn’t until his hilarious turns on Arrested Development (R.I.P., sniff) and Late Night with Conan O’Brien (call me, Sweet CoCo!!) that I discovered how hilarious he is. Of course, many people only know him from Will Ferrell’s spot-on impersonation of him on Saturday Night Live, but I’ve watched his show several times over the years when he’s had interesting guests appear.
My favorite part of his show is not the dreaded Q&A part at the end. I cringe whenever they hand a microphone to someone to ask someone else who is infinitely more intelligent than they are a question. My husband and I went to a John Irving appearance and reading at the Ryman Hall in Nashville a few years back (gosh, that makes me sound so intellectual and stuff) and he (my husband, not John Irving) and I both wanted to just crawl under the seat every time some tattooed, pierced goth girl got up and asked him what advice he’d give a new writer starting out. I don’t know why, I just think the questions people ask end up sounding juvenile and poser-y (it’s a word, I swear). I feel the same way when the ITAS students introduce themselves (I’m a third-year film student…) and ask questions about “the craft”, etc. I don’t want to listen to them. I want to listen to Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman and Tina Fey.
No, my favorite part of the show comes right before the Q&A starts. It is a 10 question questionnaire tailored after the Proust Questionnaire (whatever the hell that is). You know each guest has rehearsed his or her answers to these questions prior to coming on the show because Lipton asks them on every episode. They always have these profound answers – actors can be so smug. So, it’s a little annoying that their answers are not spontaneous, but I still like listening to them. I have often wondered how I would respond to the questions. I don’t think I’ll ever be on ITAS for a lot of reasons the main one being that I am not a famous actor. But that doesn’t mean I can’t answer these questions for you, my adoring fan(s). So here goes. And I haven’t rehearsed these answers, I swear!!!
Q1. What is your favorite word?
A1. My favorite word is most likely obsolete by now. It is tocadiscos, the Spanish word for record player. (If you look at the word, it is comprised of two separate words – toca, which comes from tocar which means to play. Then there’s discos, which are records or, I guess now, CDs.) I like this word simply because of how much fun it is to pronounce. If you don’t lose about a tablespoon of saliva when you say it, you’re not trying hard enough. And I always say it as a plural when I say it (which admittedly isn’t very often) which is los tocadiscos. Here is how you want to pronounce it:
First, “Los”: You should drop your chin a little bit and kind of form a square shape with your mouth. Your eyebrows should be furrowed (you’re not angry, you’re just getting a good, guttural drawl going) and your teeth should be showing. You reach deep within yourself and say "lllloooossssss!" And you say it with conviction.
Then there’s “tocadiscos”: You still have the furrowed brows (those are important). The Spanish “T” can sometimes sound like a “TH” and you need to try and get somewhere between the T and the TH when you start off. It packs more punch that way. So, with your jaw semi-clenched, you say “th/tohka”. Of course, following the toca is the best part – the discos! With a little more emphasis than is necessary, you launch into the deeeeeskohs part. It is important to continue to form your mouth into a square during this part as well. And you should try and say it fast. It just comes out sounding more fierce if you say it fast.
So there it is. My favorite word. Tocadiscos.
Q2. What is your least favorite word?
A2. Usually when a celebrity responds to this question, he or she will say the typical bleeding-heart “oppression”, “suffering” or “intolerance”. Mine isn’t quite that deep I’m sorry to say. No, my least favorite word is smear. I just think it sounds gross. Nothing pleasant is ever smeared. If I write a book someday, I’ll never describe someone smearing lipstick on her plump, supple lips. She will have to apply it. Or, God forbid, simply put it on. No smearing. Yuck.
A runner-up would be haberdasher. This isn’t an offensive or even gross word. I just don’t like it. It just sounds so Old English. So snooty. And where does a haberdasher work? A haberdashery? I guess so. I don’t like it.
Q3. What turns you on?
A3. I don’t think this question is meant to have a sexual connotation so, much to your relief, I will not answer it from that perspective. Instead, I’ll assume it is getting at the things in life that interest you and/or make you happy. So, what turns me on is humor. A sense of humor says so much about a person. One, it says that you don’t take yourself too seriously which means you’re generally pleasant to be around. Two, it says that you are reasonably intelligent. People who don’t “get the joke” are not clever or intuitive and so they are not interesting. Three, it makes you more fun to be around than people who aren’t humorous. I’ve met people who aren’t funny. There's a word for people like that. Bland. Can you imagine not laughing everyday? What do these people talk about? Who falls in love with them? What stories do they tell?
Everyone in my family (husband, children, parents, siblings and extended family) is funny. Most of my friends are funny. That’s not an accident. I purposely seek funny people out with whom to surround myself. Life is too hard and too short not to find reasons to laugh.
Q4. What turns you off?
A4. Pretty much all of my previous posts have covered this. My quick answers would be Reality TV, Katherine Heigl, Donald Trump’s hair, Atlanta traffic, anyone with the last name Kardashian, Organic carrot juice with fresh ground ginger, stupid songs, and Kate Gosselin.
Q5. What sound or noise do you love?
A5. I love the sound of my kids cracking up. We laugh a lot in our house. We act silly. We dance around. But when my kids get really tickled at something and just get into a laugh of complete abandon, it cracks me up and warms my heart.
That’s the nice answer. The weird one is that I love the sound of a good congestion-y cough. Love it. I realize that the sound I am hearing is the loosening of phlegm, but the heart wants what it wants. I get so disgusted every time I have one of those dry, irritating coughs. What’s the point? If I can’t hear that exquisite crackling sound it is an utter disappointment. Kids get those good, wet coughs. As much as I hate for my kids to feel bad, I do enjoy listening to that rasp. Love it. Love it. Love it.
Q6. What sound or noise do you hate?
A6. A dry cough, of course. Just a total letdown. But also, a really thick New York accent. Nothing against NY. It’s just such an ugly dialect. I know people think a Southern accent makes people sound stupid (which it does and which many of us are), but a Bronx-ian accent makes someone sound like a shrill, know-it-all, obnoxious ass. Mike and I were in Chicago walking down a crowded street behind these two ladies who were obviously from NY. They were talking about some girl named Ellie or Allie (couldn’t really tell). At one point, one of the ladies, disgusted with the conversation, turned to her friend and said, “Well, theeeaat’s just EEEAAllie. She’s sucha howahh.” (For those of you who need a translation – That’s just E/Allie. She’s such a whore.) Not only is the accent grating, but people outside of the south also are a lot louder and talk more freely than we do here. If I were calling someone a whore, I would do it under my breath and not broadcast it so that everyone on Michigan Avenue could hear me. I would say it, of course. I’m not above that. But I would say it so only my friend would be able to hear it. And since when does the word “whore” have two syllables?!
Q7. What is your favorite curse word?
A7. Motherfucker. Hands down. And I used to NEVER say the “F” word. I thought it was the worst word you could say. Which it is – at least, one of the worst. I thought it was so dirty and so disgusting. And then you add the “mother” to it and it just completely morphs into the worst and most demeaning put-down ever. But, I’m afraid this word has crept into my vocabulary over the years because a few of my friends were able to show me the joys of using it. It just perfectly sums up what you need to say. I use it as an expression if something isn’t going my way. Sometimes I’ll refer to someone as that but usually only if I am joking. Like, I’ll refer to someone’s grandfather as that. It just sounds hilarious to accuse an 87 year old person of being a motherfucker.
I don’t know where the word came from or how it first got its start. You have to think that when a language is developed, one person uses a word and then other people hear it and like it and so they start using it. I’m not sure who the first person was to use the word motherfucker. I imagine it was probably a caveman who was trying to bang out a wheel with some primitive tools and hit his thumb and said, “Well Mo-ther-Fucker!”.
Q8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
A8. A writer for SNL, Conan, or 30 Rock. How awesome would it be to be part of that synergy? Can you imagine how much fun those people have? Can you imagine sitting around a room and coming up with a concept and then playing off of each other trying to make it better and funnier. (I’m not at all sure that this is how the writing process takes place but in my mind, this is how it goes.) That is what I do every day of my life. Wouldn’t it be awesome to get paid for doing that? I’m not funny on my own. I need people to play off of. I need a good audience. That’s why all of my friends are funny. That’s why I enjoy being with my family. They make me funnier. I would love to be funny and write funny things for a living.
Q9. What profession would you not like to do?
A9. Anything in the medical profession; particularly nursing. Nurses have to wipe bottoms and clean up vomit. I do that now for two little girls that I love more than life itself. I would never, ever want to do this for a stranger. And next time you’re in Wal-Mart or the airport or anyplace where large numbers of people gather, take a look around. These are the bottoms nurses are having to wipe. I know that I keep my bottom relatively clean. I can’t say with any confidence that the dude standing in line in front of me at the DMV with 2/3 of his crack peeking out from above the waistband of his pants does the same.
Q10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A10. This is the hardest one for me to answer. I really don’t know what I’d want Him to say. I’d need to start off by saying, “Sorry I wasn’t really sure this place existed”. I’m afraid He would say, “This is a mix-up. You’re supposed to join the rest of your friends and family who have gone before you in hell.” But, if it does exist and I was forgiven for having doubts, I’d hope He would say, “You were a good person, a good wife and a good mother and you made people feel good about themselves.” I hope I treat people with kindness and sensitivity and help them to laugh. I hope it makes a difference to the people I have in my life. I hope He says, “The people in your life whom you loved, loved you in return”. I also hope He shows me over to where my loved ones have been since they’ve been there. I’d hug my Gannie first.
So there’s my list. It was harder than I thought it would be which is why I am convinced now that all of the guests who come on the show practice it over and over before their appearance. Next time a hoity-toity actor gives a neatly thought out answer, I’ll know that they likely spent hours going over their responses in order to perfect them and sound pompous. Those motherfuckers.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
WHY; Vol. 2
So, it’s been about a year since my first WHY post, so I thought perhaps I should revisit the idea. What I did was pose some questions that had been gnawing at me to see if you, my loyal reader(s?), could help explain them. I got 5 comments out of it – sadly that’s a personal best for me – so I thought perhaps you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. No? Well, let’s try it again anyway.
1. WHY is it that Donald Trump is trying to run for President?! Does he really believe he has a shot in hell of being elected? He’s not used to people telling him no. How would that go over in dealing with Congress? Other world leaders? Would he simply “fire” Ghadhafi and expect all of those problems to go away? He’s not qualified to be our president. He’s not reasonable enough to be our president. And if, for no other reason, I would not vote for him because he doesn’t have sense enough to abandon that ridiculous hair. That, more than anything else, proves he is incapable of leading this country.
2. WHY are people buying tickets to Charlie Sheen’s Torpedo of Truth tour? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?? It is bad enough that we must be kept abreast of his every move via the media, but for people to actually be interested in what this man has to say – it’s ludicrous! Last year I was ranting about being disgusted that Kate Gosselin was all over the place and that we were all expected to care about her. The interest in her has (thankfully) waned, but unfortunately has been replaced by interested in him. And he’s CRAZY. Or high. Or both. We shouldn’t listen to him. We should shut him up and hope that someone gets him some help. The fact that Japan could have a tsunami that could kill thousands of people and he would make the cover of People Magazine is a sad, sad commentary on what we think is worth our time and attention.
3. WHY is every song now sung by someone and “feat.” someone else? Half of the top 10 songs on I-Tunes are sung by one artist but “feat.” someone usually with a completely ridiculous name. All these hip-hop artists have the most absurd names. Big Boi, Mista F.A.B, Sista Soulja, Ludacris (which I actually think is clever since his actual name is Chris), Acafool (that is not a typo), Sticky Fingaz, Flo’Rida (he’s actually from Florida! Who knew?!) Killa Priest, etc. Then there’s C-Murder. This guy’s not even trying. No clever innuendo. No double entendre. He just goes straight to C-Murder. Perhaps we don't have long to wait before becoming acquainted with MC-Drugs or J-Gun Violence. C-Murder?! That’s not clever at all. It’s not a witty pun. It’s not a krazy spelling. It doesn’t mean anything – just… C-Murder. Sounds like a charming young man. Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, C-Murder.
I think these names are so silly and in a lot of cases so violent. Their names need to evoke more positive images than murder and mayhem - especially during these tough times that are upon us. Here are some of my suggestions:
Skippy Meadows
C-Kittens
Chair I Tee
Mista Rogers
Sunny Fancypants
Anything but C-Murder. What a downer!
4. WHY is everyone so fascinated by the upcoming royal wedding? Newsflash people: They are not our royal family. And monarchies are silly and archaic anyway. What do we care about Prince William and Kate Middleton? I hope they have a happy marriage, but I hope that for anyone getting married. Aside from that, I don’t much care about it. I don’t want to know her wedding workout regimen. I don’t want to buy a commemorative plate with their faces on it. I don’t want to win a replica of her ring. I don’t plan to watch it on TV. I plan to wake up that day and go through my normal routine. My life won’t change when they get married. Will yours? And if it will, what is wrong with you?!
5. WHY do I always have to pee ten times before going to bed? I think it’s a mental thing – this irrational fear that as soon as I get comfortable and on the verge of sleep, I’ll have to pee. So instead of ever getting comfortable, I just have to get up and pee several times. It also happens whenever I go snow skiing. I’ll get all bundled up in my 17 layers of clothing and then have to take it all off (or pull it down – whatever) and go to the bathroom. Very annoying. Another weird fact about my bladder (since you asked and all…) is that whenever I am hiding from someone, it instantly makes me have to pee. Not that I hide from people regularly (that kind of makes me sound like a freak) but even as a kid if I was playing hide and seek, I would go hide in the closet and almost wet my pants. It happens today if I am playing with the kids. Does that make me weird? Have I over-shared?
6. WHY is it that when I give up chips (except for chips in a Mexican restaurant – I have to have an “out”) for Lent as I have done this year, every room I walk into smells like Fritos? Or Cheetos? Or Doritos? Or tasty Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles? Or Barbecue Lays? Or Funyuns? I can smell these beautiful smells everywhere and yet, I cannot indulge. After Easter, I know it will go away and every room will begin smelling like stale breath and/or feet again. Isn’t that how it always works?
7. WHY are so many people still being diagnosed with and, in many cases, dying of cancer? One of Mike’s friends has Stage 4 cancer; one of my friends has Stage 2 colon cancer. Two of my work friends have very close family members who are incurable. And, of course, you all know a person or people who have it or have had it. So many young people are being diagnosed, too. What is going on? And all of these people who are stealing identities and creating super viruses that can make your computer explode – what would happen if they used their brains for good instead of evil? Might we be closer to a cure if the number of bad people out there made choices to do something positive for someone else? I hate people who are smart enough to make a positive contribution and then do the opposite. I hate them.
8. WHO (oops! Not a WHY question, but important nonetheless) creates all of the Apps (I hate that word, but I’d sound like a geek if I called them Applications) available for your I-Phone? Who has that kind of time? Who thought, “Dammit! I’m going to create a game where you use a slingshot to hurl a bunch of pissed off birds toward some pigs so they can blow them up!” We haven’t cured cancer but we have Angry Birds. Not that Angry Birds is completely unnecessary. It is nice to have some mindless entertainment. But who thinks of these things? I have no idea why these things are necessary, but apparently to millions of people (myself included) they are. How did we ever survive before Doodle Jump?
9. WHY do people seem to always create a walkway right in front of me when I’m standing in a line? It never fails. If I am in a large crowd and people are trying to push their way through, they will always walk over to where I’m standing and squeeze in between me and whoever is standing next to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m fairly small and people assume they can just bulldoze right past me and I won’t be able to do much about it, but whatever it is, it’s annoying. I will purposely not make eye contact with people because I know they’ll think it gives them license to use me as a walkway. Even without acknowledging me, they’ll still choose either right in front of me or right in back of me to make their way to wherever it is they are going. Every time.
10. WHY are so many air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job right now? I work for a manufacturing company. If you are caught sleeping, you get fired. There’s just too much machinery and too many dangers to yourself and to others if you sleep. The odds of a person falling asleep and something horrible happening are obviously extremely low, but it’s important to note nonetheless. Now, if your job is solely to keep things flowing safely and smoothly – arrivals, departures – and keep the air traffic… well, controlled, then I would think you would also be fired for falling asleep on the job. These people who have been in the news lately for doing just that are being suspended when they get caught. Suspended! That’s it! If I’m an air traffic controller and I fall asleep, I am risking the lives of at least one entire plane full of people, people on the ground, etc.
Also where I work, good attendance is a requirement for your job. A colleague of mine was in an Unemployment hearing for an associate who we had terminated for poor attendance. The hearing officer actually asked my colleague if the terminated employee had been made aware that attendance was a requirement of the job. We all joked about it at the time – if a person doesn’t realize that showing up is a crucial part of the job, what is the world coming to?! Similarly, if I’m an air traffic controller, I’m thinking at the very least I should be awake. I mean, these people don’t seem to have an attendance problem. But the problem is, they are not conscious when they are on the job – another crucial piece to, I dare say, just about any job out there. What is going on? And why were these people merely suspended? If they have no more regard for the lives in their care, they don’t deserve to have their jobs. What I want to know is, why this happening so much right now? Are these air traffic contollers just inexplicably passing out on their jobs or has this been happening all along and the media is only now becoming aware of it?
11. WHY do kids instinctively know that "potty words" as we call them in our household are so funny? My kids talk and giggle about their bottoms/hineys, poop, their ba-ginas, their beeboos (boobies), tee tee and tooting ALL THE TIME. We've tried to not draw attention to these words for fear of giving them a stigma and making them more attractive to our girls, but that doesn't seem to matter. They proudly use those words - in mixed company or not - and just laugh their little bottoms/hineys off. They'll ask to see my bottom (big mistake, girls, for this is a preview of what yours will look like one day and it aint pretty) and want to touch my beeboos because they know its silly and naughty. How did they turn out this way? When does innocence go away? Apparerntly as early as age three.
And finally...
12. WHY is it that at a time when I am focused on how much money I am spending I choose that exact moment to wreck my car? (Let me clarify here – it’s not that I normally just wildly spend money. I don’t at all. But, I am more tuned in to what we are spending these days because we have made a few renovations to our lake house and we have to furnish a couple of new rooms, etc.) I was driving on this little country road on the way to go get supplies from Lowe’s on Saturday when out darts this ratty looking cat. I don’t even like cats (except Lola, Mary) and yet my instinct was to do a hard swerve to avoid hitting it and ran into a construction sign on the side of the road demolishing my front right tire and side mirror and tearing a huge gash in the body of my car. This (probably) stray cat – whose life is probably worth less than $10 – will now cost us who knows how many thousands of dollars in repairs. And all while I am trying to be contentious of money. That’s what I get for worrying about what I’m spending. I won’t make that mistake again.
A funny side note – My three year old asked me where my car was since I was driving her daddy’s car. I told her I had had an accident in mine and couldn’t drive it. She turned to me and asked, very concerned, “Did you tee tee in your car?” I guess to a three year old, that’s what it means to have an accident. If only I had tee teed in my car. Would’ve been a lot cheaper.
1. WHY is it that Donald Trump is trying to run for President?! Does he really believe he has a shot in hell of being elected? He’s not used to people telling him no. How would that go over in dealing with Congress? Other world leaders? Would he simply “fire” Ghadhafi and expect all of those problems to go away? He’s not qualified to be our president. He’s not reasonable enough to be our president. And if, for no other reason, I would not vote for him because he doesn’t have sense enough to abandon that ridiculous hair. That, more than anything else, proves he is incapable of leading this country.
2. WHY are people buying tickets to Charlie Sheen’s Torpedo of Truth tour? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?? It is bad enough that we must be kept abreast of his every move via the media, but for people to actually be interested in what this man has to say – it’s ludicrous! Last year I was ranting about being disgusted that Kate Gosselin was all over the place and that we were all expected to care about her. The interest in her has (thankfully) waned, but unfortunately has been replaced by interested in him. And he’s CRAZY. Or high. Or both. We shouldn’t listen to him. We should shut him up and hope that someone gets him some help. The fact that Japan could have a tsunami that could kill thousands of people and he would make the cover of People Magazine is a sad, sad commentary on what we think is worth our time and attention.
3. WHY is every song now sung by someone and “feat.” someone else? Half of the top 10 songs on I-Tunes are sung by one artist but “feat.” someone usually with a completely ridiculous name. All these hip-hop artists have the most absurd names. Big Boi, Mista F.A.B, Sista Soulja, Ludacris (which I actually think is clever since his actual name is Chris), Acafool (that is not a typo), Sticky Fingaz, Flo’Rida (he’s actually from Florida! Who knew?!) Killa Priest, etc. Then there’s C-Murder. This guy’s not even trying. No clever innuendo. No double entendre. He just goes straight to C-Murder. Perhaps we don't have long to wait before becoming acquainted with MC-Drugs or J-Gun Violence. C-Murder?! That’s not clever at all. It’s not a witty pun. It’s not a krazy spelling. It doesn’t mean anything – just… C-Murder. Sounds like a charming young man. Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, C-Murder.
I think these names are so silly and in a lot of cases so violent. Their names need to evoke more positive images than murder and mayhem - especially during these tough times that are upon us. Here are some of my suggestions:
Skippy Meadows
C-Kittens
Chair I Tee
Mista Rogers
Sunny Fancypants
Anything but C-Murder. What a downer!
4. WHY is everyone so fascinated by the upcoming royal wedding? Newsflash people: They are not our royal family. And monarchies are silly and archaic anyway. What do we care about Prince William and Kate Middleton? I hope they have a happy marriage, but I hope that for anyone getting married. Aside from that, I don’t much care about it. I don’t want to know her wedding workout regimen. I don’t want to buy a commemorative plate with their faces on it. I don’t want to win a replica of her ring. I don’t plan to watch it on TV. I plan to wake up that day and go through my normal routine. My life won’t change when they get married. Will yours? And if it will, what is wrong with you?!
5. WHY do I always have to pee ten times before going to bed? I think it’s a mental thing – this irrational fear that as soon as I get comfortable and on the verge of sleep, I’ll have to pee. So instead of ever getting comfortable, I just have to get up and pee several times. It also happens whenever I go snow skiing. I’ll get all bundled up in my 17 layers of clothing and then have to take it all off (or pull it down – whatever) and go to the bathroom. Very annoying. Another weird fact about my bladder (since you asked and all…) is that whenever I am hiding from someone, it instantly makes me have to pee. Not that I hide from people regularly (that kind of makes me sound like a freak) but even as a kid if I was playing hide and seek, I would go hide in the closet and almost wet my pants. It happens today if I am playing with the kids. Does that make me weird? Have I over-shared?
6. WHY is it that when I give up chips (except for chips in a Mexican restaurant – I have to have an “out”) for Lent as I have done this year, every room I walk into smells like Fritos? Or Cheetos? Or Doritos? Or tasty Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles? Or Barbecue Lays? Or Funyuns? I can smell these beautiful smells everywhere and yet, I cannot indulge. After Easter, I know it will go away and every room will begin smelling like stale breath and/or feet again. Isn’t that how it always works?
7. WHY are so many people still being diagnosed with and, in many cases, dying of cancer? One of Mike’s friends has Stage 4 cancer; one of my friends has Stage 2 colon cancer. Two of my work friends have very close family members who are incurable. And, of course, you all know a person or people who have it or have had it. So many young people are being diagnosed, too. What is going on? And all of these people who are stealing identities and creating super viruses that can make your computer explode – what would happen if they used their brains for good instead of evil? Might we be closer to a cure if the number of bad people out there made choices to do something positive for someone else? I hate people who are smart enough to make a positive contribution and then do the opposite. I hate them.
8. WHO (oops! Not a WHY question, but important nonetheless) creates all of the Apps (I hate that word, but I’d sound like a geek if I called them Applications) available for your I-Phone? Who has that kind of time? Who thought, “Dammit! I’m going to create a game where you use a slingshot to hurl a bunch of pissed off birds toward some pigs so they can blow them up!” We haven’t cured cancer but we have Angry Birds. Not that Angry Birds is completely unnecessary. It is nice to have some mindless entertainment. But who thinks of these things? I have no idea why these things are necessary, but apparently to millions of people (myself included) they are. How did we ever survive before Doodle Jump?
9. WHY do people seem to always create a walkway right in front of me when I’m standing in a line? It never fails. If I am in a large crowd and people are trying to push their way through, they will always walk over to where I’m standing and squeeze in between me and whoever is standing next to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m fairly small and people assume they can just bulldoze right past me and I won’t be able to do much about it, but whatever it is, it’s annoying. I will purposely not make eye contact with people because I know they’ll think it gives them license to use me as a walkway. Even without acknowledging me, they’ll still choose either right in front of me or right in back of me to make their way to wherever it is they are going. Every time.
10. WHY are so many air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job right now? I work for a manufacturing company. If you are caught sleeping, you get fired. There’s just too much machinery and too many dangers to yourself and to others if you sleep. The odds of a person falling asleep and something horrible happening are obviously extremely low, but it’s important to note nonetheless. Now, if your job is solely to keep things flowing safely and smoothly – arrivals, departures – and keep the air traffic… well, controlled, then I would think you would also be fired for falling asleep on the job. These people who have been in the news lately for doing just that are being suspended when they get caught. Suspended! That’s it! If I’m an air traffic controller and I fall asleep, I am risking the lives of at least one entire plane full of people, people on the ground, etc.
Also where I work, good attendance is a requirement for your job. A colleague of mine was in an Unemployment hearing for an associate who we had terminated for poor attendance. The hearing officer actually asked my colleague if the terminated employee had been made aware that attendance was a requirement of the job. We all joked about it at the time – if a person doesn’t realize that showing up is a crucial part of the job, what is the world coming to?! Similarly, if I’m an air traffic controller, I’m thinking at the very least I should be awake. I mean, these people don’t seem to have an attendance problem. But the problem is, they are not conscious when they are on the job – another crucial piece to, I dare say, just about any job out there. What is going on? And why were these people merely suspended? If they have no more regard for the lives in their care, they don’t deserve to have their jobs. What I want to know is, why this happening so much right now? Are these air traffic contollers just inexplicably passing out on their jobs or has this been happening all along and the media is only now becoming aware of it?
11. WHY do kids instinctively know that "potty words" as we call them in our household are so funny? My kids talk and giggle about their bottoms/hineys, poop, their ba-ginas, their beeboos (boobies), tee tee and tooting ALL THE TIME. We've tried to not draw attention to these words for fear of giving them a stigma and making them more attractive to our girls, but that doesn't seem to matter. They proudly use those words - in mixed company or not - and just laugh their little bottoms/hineys off. They'll ask to see my bottom (big mistake, girls, for this is a preview of what yours will look like one day and it aint pretty) and want to touch my beeboos because they know its silly and naughty. How did they turn out this way? When does innocence go away? Apparerntly as early as age three.
And finally...
12. WHY is it that at a time when I am focused on how much money I am spending I choose that exact moment to wreck my car? (Let me clarify here – it’s not that I normally just wildly spend money. I don’t at all. But, I am more tuned in to what we are spending these days because we have made a few renovations to our lake house and we have to furnish a couple of new rooms, etc.) I was driving on this little country road on the way to go get supplies from Lowe’s on Saturday when out darts this ratty looking cat. I don’t even like cats (except Lola, Mary) and yet my instinct was to do a hard swerve to avoid hitting it and ran into a construction sign on the side of the road demolishing my front right tire and side mirror and tearing a huge gash in the body of my car. This (probably) stray cat – whose life is probably worth less than $10 – will now cost us who knows how many thousands of dollars in repairs. And all while I am trying to be contentious of money. That’s what I get for worrying about what I’m spending. I won’t make that mistake again.
A funny side note – My three year old asked me where my car was since I was driving her daddy’s car. I told her I had had an accident in mine and couldn’t drive it. She turned to me and asked, very concerned, “Did you tee tee in your car?” I guess to a three year old, that’s what it means to have an accident. If only I had tee teed in my car. Would’ve been a lot cheaper.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I Hate Atlanta
Damn you, Atlanta. You with your smug arts and never-ending assortment of things to do. And damn your constant road work and crazy drivers. For they make it impossible for me to make good time while traveling.
As if there wasn’t already enough to do in Atlanta, they just had to go and build an enormous aquarium that makes Chattanooga’s look like a project I could have done for a middle school science fair. Why? Why would they build the one thing that actually draws people to Chattanooga (other than the underwhelming Choo-Choo and Ruby Falls) and do it bigger and better? Do you realize that all we have now is Rock City? And if you’ve seen Rock City once (as countless billboards and painted barns along the interstate advise you to do), you’ve seen it 100 times. Big whoop.
I went to Atlanta (I refuse to refer to it by the hipper, more popular “the A-T-L” that the cool kids use) this weekend with one of my daughters to meet up with my sister and her son who was in a hip hop dance competition (Go, Jack!). We decided to spend our afternoon Saturday doing something Atlanta-ish. We’d not been to their aquarium before so we decided we’d go.
The aquarium was, of course, fine. It was big and nice and had a better diversity of things to see than does the one in Chattanooga. They had whales – whales! – and all kinds of neat things that Chattanooga’s doesn’t… blah, blah, blah. But I was completely irritated before we ever even got there because…well, because I was in Atlanta.
I was driving along minding my own business enjoying a nice, sunny day on the open road. Kate and I were excited to see Mary and Jack. Spring was in almost full bloom around us. It had the makings of a nice day. I even began to think that perhaps I’d get through Atlanta without getting held up in any typical Atlanta crazy traffic.
Wrong.
As I began to descend on the city, there was a lighted billboard that advised that up ahead on 75 South – right where I was going - there was road work that had closed three left lanes (a city is too damn big if there are three left lanes, by the way). My cheerful mood began to dissipate as I saw the sea of red tail lights I was headed straight toward. So, as it usually goes whenever I have to go to or through Atlanta, I got stopped and I sat. And I waited. And I sat. And I waited. And I sat. And I cursed – but internally so Kate wouldn’t learn any new colorful words.
One of the most telling things about Atlanta traffic is a story I like to tell about my experience there several years ago. I was on Peachtree Road over by Lenox Mall and it was just bumper to bumper with nobody moving and everyone getting frustrated. As we inched along, I noticed the entire front bumper (including a UGA license plate) of a car, just sitting there in the road. What that tells me is that someone was involved in a fender-bender in which the front half of their car fell off and they simply said, “to hell with it” and kept driving just so they could get home. I mean seriously – would you not get out of your car and survey the damage? Of course you would. But this was Atlanta. This guy just made an executive decision to leave half of his car in the road just so he could get the hell out of the traffic. Aaaaah, Atlanta.
Of course, on the interstate you had the typical people who thought they were somehow exempt from the road signs who just kept barreling on ahead to try and sneakily merge into the right lane at the last minute. Who are the idiots who let these obnoxious people over? I have a rule that if I leave room for you to get over and you pass it by thinking you’ve got a better deal up ahead, I will do everything within my power to see that you are afforded no such opportunity again. If you pass me when I’ve offered you a coveted spot in front of me, then as God as my witness you are NOT going to try and get in front of me when you run out of road, you selfish bastard. I get so annoyed when people let these people in at the last minute. It doesn’t even register with these do-gooders that they are enabling these inconsiderate drivers to continue to do this in the future.
Then you had the constant lane-changers who kept darting back and forth between lanes thinking they’d somehow get to the next mile marker faster if they could just identify the winning lane. At the rate we were going (which was 5mph), we were all pretty much going to get there at the same time. We didn’t all need to live in fear that someone was about to zip out right in front of us and cause an accident. Had these people not been to Atlanta before? Were they not expecting massive gridlock? Did they not realize that when they dashed into the other lane causing four or five cars to slam on their brakes that they were actually slowing the entire process down? Morons.
So, I finally got through the road work and came upon the exit that was supposed to take me right to the Aquarium. I can see a light change up ahead and only about 3 cars manage to get through before it turns red again. I’m thinking there must be a wreck ahead. But then I see another billboard. Apparently the WWE was having some kind of major event right next to where I wanted to go. While I was appreciative to not have this gathering of rednecks in Chattanooga, WHY did it have to be going on in Atlanta the one day I was there? Atlanta has a bazillion things to do - why on earth is it necessary to have the WWE in town? But in town they were, so it took another 20 minutes just to turn right off of the interstate. My blood was boiling at this point because for much of the past 45 minutes to an hour I could see exactly where I needed to go up ahead, I just couldn’t get there. I wanted to scream but had to stifle it so Kate wouldn’t learn any of the aforementioned colorful words.
So, we went to the Aquarium and it was bigger, newer and nicer than the one we have in Chattanooga. I was annoyed because people didn’t need another reason to go to Atlanta. There's already plenty to do there. There was no need to compete with Chattanooga. You won. We get it. What’s next? “Boulder Town” to rival Rock City? “Red Waters” to rival Ruby Falls? Grrrr. Why couldn’t you have just left us alone? What have we ever done to you?
The ride home on Sunday was just as bad. We got caught in the same construction going north so it took us forever to get out of the city and on our way back to Chattanooga. The good news is that because the traffic happened early in our trek, I was over being angry and irritated about an hour into the trip. The rest of the ride home was fairly uneventful – since not very many people were trying to get to Chattanooga (they were all going to Atlanta where there are neat things to do!). And just when I was thinking how nice it was to be back in a city that was more reasonably sized with the right amount of people (and left lanes), we got stuck in standstill traffic. For almost 45 minutes. Grrrrr.
As if there wasn’t already enough to do in Atlanta, they just had to go and build an enormous aquarium that makes Chattanooga’s look like a project I could have done for a middle school science fair. Why? Why would they build the one thing that actually draws people to Chattanooga (other than the underwhelming Choo-Choo and Ruby Falls) and do it bigger and better? Do you realize that all we have now is Rock City? And if you’ve seen Rock City once (as countless billboards and painted barns along the interstate advise you to do), you’ve seen it 100 times. Big whoop.
I went to Atlanta (I refuse to refer to it by the hipper, more popular “the A-T-L” that the cool kids use) this weekend with one of my daughters to meet up with my sister and her son who was in a hip hop dance competition (Go, Jack!). We decided to spend our afternoon Saturday doing something Atlanta-ish. We’d not been to their aquarium before so we decided we’d go.
The aquarium was, of course, fine. It was big and nice and had a better diversity of things to see than does the one in Chattanooga. They had whales – whales! – and all kinds of neat things that Chattanooga’s doesn’t… blah, blah, blah. But I was completely irritated before we ever even got there because…well, because I was in Atlanta.
I was driving along minding my own business enjoying a nice, sunny day on the open road. Kate and I were excited to see Mary and Jack. Spring was in almost full bloom around us. It had the makings of a nice day. I even began to think that perhaps I’d get through Atlanta without getting held up in any typical Atlanta crazy traffic.
Wrong.
As I began to descend on the city, there was a lighted billboard that advised that up ahead on 75 South – right where I was going - there was road work that had closed three left lanes (a city is too damn big if there are three left lanes, by the way). My cheerful mood began to dissipate as I saw the sea of red tail lights I was headed straight toward. So, as it usually goes whenever I have to go to or through Atlanta, I got stopped and I sat. And I waited. And I sat. And I waited. And I sat. And I cursed – but internally so Kate wouldn’t learn any new colorful words.
One of the most telling things about Atlanta traffic is a story I like to tell about my experience there several years ago. I was on Peachtree Road over by Lenox Mall and it was just bumper to bumper with nobody moving and everyone getting frustrated. As we inched along, I noticed the entire front bumper (including a UGA license plate) of a car, just sitting there in the road. What that tells me is that someone was involved in a fender-bender in which the front half of their car fell off and they simply said, “to hell with it” and kept driving just so they could get home. I mean seriously – would you not get out of your car and survey the damage? Of course you would. But this was Atlanta. This guy just made an executive decision to leave half of his car in the road just so he could get the hell out of the traffic. Aaaaah, Atlanta.
Of course, on the interstate you had the typical people who thought they were somehow exempt from the road signs who just kept barreling on ahead to try and sneakily merge into the right lane at the last minute. Who are the idiots who let these obnoxious people over? I have a rule that if I leave room for you to get over and you pass it by thinking you’ve got a better deal up ahead, I will do everything within my power to see that you are afforded no such opportunity again. If you pass me when I’ve offered you a coveted spot in front of me, then as God as my witness you are NOT going to try and get in front of me when you run out of road, you selfish bastard. I get so annoyed when people let these people in at the last minute. It doesn’t even register with these do-gooders that they are enabling these inconsiderate drivers to continue to do this in the future.
Then you had the constant lane-changers who kept darting back and forth between lanes thinking they’d somehow get to the next mile marker faster if they could just identify the winning lane. At the rate we were going (which was 5mph), we were all pretty much going to get there at the same time. We didn’t all need to live in fear that someone was about to zip out right in front of us and cause an accident. Had these people not been to Atlanta before? Were they not expecting massive gridlock? Did they not realize that when they dashed into the other lane causing four or five cars to slam on their brakes that they were actually slowing the entire process down? Morons.
So, I finally got through the road work and came upon the exit that was supposed to take me right to the Aquarium. I can see a light change up ahead and only about 3 cars manage to get through before it turns red again. I’m thinking there must be a wreck ahead. But then I see another billboard. Apparently the WWE was having some kind of major event right next to where I wanted to go. While I was appreciative to not have this gathering of rednecks in Chattanooga, WHY did it have to be going on in Atlanta the one day I was there? Atlanta has a bazillion things to do - why on earth is it necessary to have the WWE in town? But in town they were, so it took another 20 minutes just to turn right off of the interstate. My blood was boiling at this point because for much of the past 45 minutes to an hour I could see exactly where I needed to go up ahead, I just couldn’t get there. I wanted to scream but had to stifle it so Kate wouldn’t learn any of the aforementioned colorful words.
So, we went to the Aquarium and it was bigger, newer and nicer than the one we have in Chattanooga. I was annoyed because people didn’t need another reason to go to Atlanta. There's already plenty to do there. There was no need to compete with Chattanooga. You won. We get it. What’s next? “Boulder Town” to rival Rock City? “Red Waters” to rival Ruby Falls? Grrrr. Why couldn’t you have just left us alone? What have we ever done to you?
The ride home on Sunday was just as bad. We got caught in the same construction going north so it took us forever to get out of the city and on our way back to Chattanooga. The good news is that because the traffic happened early in our trek, I was over being angry and irritated about an hour into the trip. The rest of the ride home was fairly uneventful – since not very many people were trying to get to Chattanooga (they were all going to Atlanta where there are neat things to do!). And just when I was thinking how nice it was to be back in a city that was more reasonably sized with the right amount of people (and left lanes), we got stuck in standstill traffic. For almost 45 minutes. Grrrrr.
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