I'm Unsophisticated And Stuff

I just re-read my last blog post and I feel I must apologize for it.  It was horribly boring and was not at all packed with the usual, copious amounts of sarcasm.  Therefore, I am returning to my roots and "giving the people (my 1-2 readers) what they want".

I went out of town last weekend on a much needed girls' trip.  We went to the North Carolina mountains and got to shop, drink, relax, drink, eat, drink, laugh, drink, and drink.  There were seven of us from the neighborhood and we had a lot of laughs and even got to see a little snow. 

Of course, as always happens when a bunch of girls get together, everything that was planned was planned around the next meal.  Where it would come from.  Who would cook it.  When we'd eat it.  It's all we could talk about.  It's all we wanted to think about.  So, one day we ended up going to a lunch place where part of the group had been the previous day before the rest of us had arrived.  They described the menu as "eclectic" but very good.  Usually an "eclectic" menu means that they are going to have a bunch of weird stuff that I will not recognize.  This place was no different.

We walked in and it smelled wonderful.  It was a cozy little place with funky decor.  I began to get nervous. 

I'm not cool enough for this place, I thought to myself. 

She's not cool enough for this place, the other patrons seemed to be thinking.

Still, we went to our table tucked back in a little room and began opening our menus.  The first thing I noticed was that there seemed to be an exorbitant amount of dishes that featured tempeh.  The one that stood out the most was an avocado tempeh melt.  I hate to admit that I was not entirely sure what tempeh was until I looked it up for the purpose of typing this story.  Tempeh is basically a soybean patty and is not exactly that "out there".  I mean, it's a topping option at my favorite pizza place, so how weird could it be?
But when it's the main ingredient in several menu items, I begin to get irritated.  It's almost like the menu is saying,

Tempeh is so normal that we use it as a base in many of our dishes.  If you don't know what it is, your palate is not sophisticated enough, you boorish hillbilly.

I don't know about you, but when I see a menu item that is a "melt", I am hoping to receive something horrible for me.  Tempeh and avocados?  Who are they trying to impress?

So, as I began pouring over the menu I became less confident I would find something that I would recognize and, consequently, would want to eat.  I saw an appetizer - the always popular plantains with mango yogurt (WHAT??!!  Ever heard of nachos, people?).  I wasn't really that hungry, so I skipped past the appetizers and looked toward the main dishes.  I scoured through all kinds of words I didn't understand like "aioli" and finally landed on fish tacos.  That seemed fairly harmless, but I am so unrefined that I really don't like to eat fish in my tacos.  I'm a beef kind of a girl.  Fish makes a dish more distinguished.  The assumption you would make if you looked at this menu is that only a common redneck would eat chicken or beef in a taco.  But, I was happy with my choice so now it was time to tell the waitress (In a place like this, I'm sure the word "waitress" would be frowned upon,  They probably call them "waitperson" or "cuisine attendant") what I would be having to drink.

I asked her for a diet coke.  You could practically hear the music screech to a halt and all conversations cease when I made this request.  She looked down her nose at me and told me that they did not have Coke products, but they only had Zevia colas.  Naturally, I had never heard of a damn Zevia, but I ordered a "Zero-Calorie-Zevia".  This was supposed to be the closest thing they had to the barbaric Diet Coke that their simple-minded patron (me) had requested.  I was growing more and more disgusted with the pretentious menu. 

And then it happened.

As the others at my table were skeptically ordering their Zevais, I noticed another drink option that had been kind of set off from the rest in order to make it stand out.  It was "Organic Carrot Juice".  And it was $4.00.  Seriously?  Organic carrot juice?  I shouldn't have been surprised that they had organic juices.  I mean, this place was dripping with organic and vegan and farm-raised and non-antibiotic-eatin' things.  But seriously - WHO DRINKS CARROT JUICE?!!  I have watched enough Looney Tunes to know that Bugs Bunny does.  Anyone else?  Anyone?  Anyone?!!

WHO has EVER ordered that?!  WHY would you order that unless you just want your friends to think you are soooo cultured? 

It gets worse.

Right beneath the place where it had Organic Carrot Juice it had a blurb that announced the you could get it with ginger for seventy-five cents more.  A bargain if you ask me! 

So, let me get this straight.  Not only am I going to be a complete douche bag for ordering freakin' organic carrot  juice, but I am now going to shout from the rooftops that I am an even bigger A-hole by demanding they add ginger to it?!  How pretentious could this place be?  Or, I am just a simple-minded imbecile who has no culture and no palate?

Places like this are so annoying to me because they just cannot be normal.  They try way too hard to be so genteel and sophisticated which makes them a total turnoff to me   They want me to know what a dolt I am because I do not regularly eat what they are offering.  They tell me I am also probably killing innocent animals, melting the glaciers, and raping the land just by waking up in the morning.  Why do I even get out of bed?

Maybe I am just too simple.  Maybe not wanting a tempeh melt makes me weird.  Maybe ginger is what makes organic carrot juice the drink of choice for the fine folks in the Carolina mountains.  Maybe the Diet Coke executives run sweatshops overseas and the good people at Zevia are building elementary schools in Somalia.  Maybe I could learn a few things at a place like this.

Or maybe I should have a coke and smile and move on.

What I Am Loving These Days

Well, it's been three weeks since my last post, so I suppose I'm supposed to have something witty or important or both to say.  Since I don't, I figured I would just share with you some things I am happy about/thankful for/interested in these days.  Since I probably will be too lazy to post something else before Thanksgiving, I thought it would be a perfectly festive topic.  Here we go.  Brace yourself!

1.  Mike and the kids, family, friends, blah, blah, blah... all of the predictable ones.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

2. Brickbreaker - I am completely addicted to this silly game on my Blackberry but I am AWFUL at it!   I play it while I'm on the phone on hold.  I play it while stopped at red lights.  I play it while my kids are swinging on their swing set.  I even dream about it.  I hate when I end up catching the "Flip" bullet - I die every time.  I love the "laser" bullet.  I end up just shooting through everything in order to advance to the next level.  But, alas, I've never made it past the 10th level.  I hear other people bragging about getting up to level 30-something.  Bastards!

3. Fall smells - I love the crisp scent of Fall in the air.  It smells fresh and earthy from the leaves on the ground.  We live down the street from a campground so we can also smell the campfires wafting over here.  This time of year, it is lovely.  Plus, I have pumpkin pie scented reed diffusers all over my house.  I can also see the beautiful (although this year, not so much) colors in the trees as the leaves change.  I love everything about Fall.  My grandmother used to say that she didn't like Fall because that's when everything dies.  Having been a student for so long and then working for several years in higher education, the Fall was always the start of everything for me.  I love the anticipation of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love the smells and the colors.  I love the temperatures.  I love it all.

4. Auburn has a shot at the BCS Title - For the first time in a long time (maybe ever?), Auburn has a chance of playing for the national championship.  I realize a lot has to happen between now and the end of the season, but it's been exciting to be an Auburn fan again.  We have a Heisman candidate for the first time in a long time, too.  I said it's great...to be...an Auburn Tiger!

5.  There is a video I've seen on a couple of different websites that shows a woman solving a Wheel of Fortune puzzle after only revealing one letter.  What I love about this is that I DO THAT ALL THE TIME!  I can do it with no letters revealed!  Why is this news?  I should totally be on that show, but then I'd have to suffer the humiliation of having been on that show.  She's now recognized as a genius (by Wheel of Fortune standards, but still...) and here I sit, solving puzzles without the recognition I deserve.  But still, even in my anonymity, I have still been shown by this video that I am, in fact, a truly special person who can solve the hell out of some Wheel of Fortune puzzles.  Yay me!

6. Oprah's Farewell Season - Okay, I am not the "crazy Oprah lady" who goes out and reads all of her Book Club recommendations and purchases all of her favorite things.  I think she's self-important (even though I know she is very generous) and an alarmist, but I also think she adds a lot of value to our world.  I am loving her season so far!  She has reunited the cast of The Sound Of Music after 45 years!  She has interviewed George W. Bush and made him appear as a reasonably intelligent person.  She spoke with Lisa Marie Presley about her bizarre relationship and marriage to Michael Jackson.  She even made Ricky Martin seem interesting. 

7. The book One Day by David Nicholls - The last really good book I read. We meet a couple the morning after the first day they've met.  Each chapter takes you to that date exactly one year in the future so you can see how their lives and their relationship progresses over time.  I found myself dying to get to the next chapter so I could see what their lives were like.  Very well drawn out characters and an interesting way to take you through the story of their relationship.

8. Okay, number 1 on my list really already encapsulates this, but I am loving the way my girls are relating to each other these days - They fight a lot of the time, but they also have these little conversations that are just so ridiculous and sweet.  They correct each other and tattle on each other and show consideration for each other make each other laugh.  They are best friends and I am fortunate enough to get to be in the same space with them.  They make me proud every day and make me realize how much I would have missed if I hadn't decided to have children.  I'm a lucky gal.

9. New music on my I-Pod - Every now and again I get into a music slump where I've worn everything out on my I-Pod and desperately search for new music.  I have been in one such rut lately, but have happened upon a few new things that have made me happy.  (Let me clarify - it's "new" to me, not new music.  I don't listen to anything new.  I'm too lame for that.)  Crooked Fingers - a new find for me, old Traveling Wilburys stuff, Violent Femmes stuff from my high school days, Duquette Johnston - a guy who went to my high school and graduated the year after me, and Kings of Leon who I have just recently discovered.  I'm excited to listen to my I-Pod again!  Oh!  And I also found Goody two Shoes by Adam Ant and added it to my workout mix.  Jealous?

10. Finally, Conan debuted on TBS last night, so all is right with the world.  Oh, how I have missed my sweet, sweet Conan! It was great to have him and his ridiculous sense of humor back on the air.  His ratings were good and he's gotten mostly positive reviews.  I, of course, think he is a genius and the funniest of all of the late-night hosts.  Welcome back, Coco!

Well, sorry for the boring post.  Perhaps some stupid reality show person will be in the news too much in the days to come and I'll have some fresh material for you.  Happy Tuesday!